Every year we go through this: Christmas Day is the First Day of Christmas

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Christmas

Retailers love countdowns, one of them being their fake 12 days of Christmas that ends on December 25th. This helps sales, no doubt. But I cringe when I see it because it’s a marketing strategy that pre-empts the reality of the holiday.

Dear retailers: If you need to usurp a holy countdown, use Advent (November 29 – December 24.)

This brings us to December 25th, the first day of Christmas in most traditions, the days that old song refers to.

You probably sing the song at one party or another during “Twelvetide,” and perhaps you know the meaning of the verses:

The Twelve Days, of course, lead up to Twelfth night, the day when in most traditions, the greenery comes out of the house. My neighbors are used to our Christmas lights staying on through the 5th of January. The following day is Epiphany, the day the wise men visited the Christ Child.

I suppose many people sleep through Epiphany if they continue the tradition of the Twelfth Night party where everyone gets drunk:

This looks kind of expensive, so we don’t throw a party. However, if you’re throwing a party, please let us know. The first thing, though, is knowing when the Twelve Days of Christmas begin and end.

Malcolm

Do I feel lonely on days with no new SPAM?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn blog2 Comments

SPAM? The short answer is “no.”

What I like to see on my dashboard.

I appreciate the fact WordPress catches these comments rather than dumping them into my weblog as purported real responses to my posts.

Sometimes I glance at the queue just to see what’s there. I’ve never once found a real comment mistakenly labeled as SPAM. I’m often amused by he things spammers (or their bots) say to get past the SPAM catcher: “This is my favorite blog,” “What a timely topic; I’m bookmarking this page” “Did you know your posts don’t display properly on my cellphone?” and “Can I help you with SEO optimization.”

The Worst Ruse

“Would you like to save time and energy using curated posts from real writers in this blog? Trust me, I know it’s hard finding new things to write about and composing them properly.”

Are you crazy?

Of course, I don’t send that response because I don’t want more SPAM. But I do want to say, “You pretend to follow my blog and yet you haven’t noticed that I am a writer. Why would I want other writers writing my stuff?”

So bloggers ever allow these kinds of comments to see the light of day? That is, does SPAM like this ever work? Should I feel heartless about the 59, 976 SPAM comments that I threw in the cyber trash can?

Now, if a spammer wanted to send me some real SPAM® from the Hormel Foods Corporation, I might consider it. When I was a Boy Scout, we sometimes took SPAM® on camping trips because it was easy to cook even though the Scoutmaster wanted us to cook our meals from scratch–and that was back in the old days before all these choices were available:

I’m not tempted enough to buy these at the store, but if all these wonders had been on the shelves when I was an eleven-year-old Tenderfoot Scout, I may never have cooked any real food over a campfire and earned a merit badge for it.

But, alas, none of the SPAM is the real deal.

The phony stuff posted by leeches in the WordPress Akismet swill catcher just doesn’t light my fire, much less make me feel loved and treasured as a blogger.

—Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell just updated the book page on his website and invites you to stop by and take a look. 

Am bu chòir seann eòlas a dhìochuimhneachadh?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Scotland

Should old knowledge be forgotten as my Gàidhlig title asks or as we are asking when we sing “Auld Lang Syne”?

I take comfort in this old song, perhaps from my Scots heritage, perhaps from the sweet sentiments set down by Rabbie Burns in 1788. When I think of him, I am saddened by the fact he was only with us for 37 years. But what a great influence he was.

I was very much aware of him as a child, and when we were asked in a high school class to memorize a poem and recite it to the class, I chose his “Scots Wha Hae” (Scots Who Have) about William Wallace, doing my fair best with the dialect:

Scots, wha hae wi Wallace bled,
Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,
Welcome tae yer gory bed,
Or tae victorie.

I’ll no fash you by copying in the entire poem!

My father knew Scots history and the particulars of our family tree, so I grew up filled with stories about everyone who opposed the English threat to the sovereign kingdom, especially the Highlands. I feel like I’ve been waiting for Scotland to break away from Britain ever since the sorry Acts of Union in 1707. 

But so much for politics. In “Auld Lang Syne,” Burns, I think captured our feelings for old times and the continuity of the past–and our feelings for each other over time.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

Chorus:

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak’ a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup!
and surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak’ a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Chorus

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin’ auld lang syne.

Chorus

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin’ auld lang syne.

Chorus

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere!
and gie’s a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak’ a right gude-willie waught,
for auld lang syne.

Chorus

Ah, now I’m ready to face 2021.

—Malcolm

2020: Get out before midnight or else

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn happy new year
There once was a year named 2020
That conspired to plague us aplenty,
Whenever we thought the bad times were said and done,
We were told, “the worst has just begun.”

I’m sure something good happened during the year. Okay, two of us at Thomas-Jacob Publishing released new novels. And we had some good meals even though we had to cook them ourselves. There was some good stuff on TV such as “The Queen’s Gambit.”

But all in all, from questionable police shootings to rioters/looters upstaging protesters to COVID cases/deaths, the news was bad. It got a little better when several COVID vaccines (one not yet available in the U.S.) were announced.

Too many people died, though, and the Feds are sending vaccine doses to Congressmen/women and/or criminals before attending to the nursing home population and the elderly. I cringe whenever I see the announced death of an “old” person who’s my age, followed by the usual hoo-haw, “Well, they had a full life.”

And then there were those with critical illnesses who were denied treatment because people with COVID–usually not life-threatening or even obvious–had first dibs on hospital beds. Triage sort of got forgotten.

Yet, as cynical as I usually sound, I think we can beat the damages of 2020 (for those who are still living) and get on top of all that ails us. We will cure and protect more people. We will stop pointless police shootings. We will acknowledge that Black lives matter. We will start protecting our environment again after rolling back protections that took decades to get approved. We will get people working again and our stores open once more.

So, I feel sane enough to wish you a happy new year that brings you the best dreams you can imagine.

—Malcolm

FEDs retire ‘2020’ from use on future calendars

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Pandemic, satire

Washington, D. C., December 30, 2020, Star-Gazer News Service The U. S. Calendar Control Commission announced here this morning that it has banned the year 2020 from usage on future calendars.

Commission Chairperson Julian Gregorian explained to reporters that bad years are retired in the same manner that the names of bad hurricanes are retired.

“Eighty-two hurricane names have been retired,” Gregorian said. “You’ll never see another Carol, Donna, Hugo, or Katrina because those storms were so badass that we’re too superstitious to use their names again.”

According to CCC scientists, if Pope Georgory XIII had deigned to use Tarot Cards in 1582 when he introduced our current calendar system, he would have omitted years that were designated as controlled by demons, and the world would have avoided multiple plagues, wars, and bad luck.

“There never would have been a 1918 influenza outbreak, a 1941 Pearl Harbor attack, no 9/11 attacks, and no 20202 COVID-19 pandemic,” Gregory said.

A CCC backgrounder for reporters explained that even if the United States implemented a new calendar system, today’s action guarantees that ill years will never appear on it.

Calendar expert, Joseph Lunisolar told reporters that bad times could also be avoided by employing government astrologers.

“Until that happens,” he said, “we’ll continue to pay the price for thumbing our noses at the fates.”

-30-

Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

What did Daddy do during COVID?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writing

The question used to be: “What did Daddy do during the war?” Perhaps now, it’s “What did Daddy and Mommy do during COVID?”

The answers might be, “Got sick and died,” “Lost their jobs,” “Got evicted,” or (possibly) “Wore a mask and hoped for the best.”

When people ignore the lockdowns, as they did at Thanksgiving and Christmas, more people end up sick. And yet, when people stay inside their homes, more businesses go bankrupt and more people lose their jobs. Will the vaccines rescue us? Time will tell. Some say we’ll be fighting COVID for years. I’m not surprised at that assessment.

And after all the precautions we’ve been urged to take, lately, the news is that things are going to get a lot worse. That’s not reassuring.

According to today’s news, Mitch McConnell blocked Senate consideration of raising the stimulus payments from $600 to $2,000, something the leader of his party is pushing for. Needless to say, Senators aren’t losing their jobs, worrying about health care expenses, or with their lifetime pensions, having money for the future. I guess we’re all supposed to be grateful for the crumbs our rich Senators and Representatives give us.

So, another answer for that did Daddy and Mommy do during COVID is “Got screwed by their government.”

I got a notice from the FEDs today letting me know my Social Security benefits are going up 1.3% Wow, what a difference that will make. <g>  Meanwhile, even though publishing had a decent year, what with people staying home and reading more books, that “decent year” mainly applied to major publishers.  The rest of us are seeing a giant downturn in sales.

So, another answer for what did Daddy and Mommy do during COVID is published new books that got lost in the shuffle. My $600 stimulus check (thanks,  Mitch,  you sorry bastard) won’t make up the difference. What kind of math are the Feds using?

More or less, Daddy and Mommy muddled through, waiting to see if their numbers were up or if they would make it to 2021. At my age, I’m surprised I’m still here. A lot of us feel that way.

—Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of the four-book “Florida Folk Magic Series” that focuses on the KKK in the 1950s Florida Panhandle.

43 Writers’ “Rules for Writing”

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writers, writing2 Comments

Most writers have their own special “rules for writing,” even if they don’t talk about them. I find other writers’ rules fascinating, even when I don’t agree with them. A lot can be learned by reading about other authors’ approaches to writing.

The New York Times and The Guardian have published famous authors’ answers to this question on a number of occasions. The Guardian has a very long, disorganized article that collects many of the rules, which you can read here. This article is an attempt to organize that collection and to link to other authors’ rules as well, including more recently published authors’ rules on writing.

Source: » 43 Writers’ “Rules for Writing”

I’m of the same mind about this subject as author and writing coach Mark David Gerson (The Voice of the Muse). His writing mantra is There are No Rules. I agree. Rules for writing seem to me about as relevant as rules for enjoying a sunset or a kiss.

For those who, like the author of this article, find the rules of famous writers to be fascinating, this post by Emily Harstone in “Authors Publish” is the mother lode of rules. You’ll find Elmore Leonard, George Orwell, Neil Gaiman, Jack Kerouac, and even Nietzche. Nietzche’s rules begin with “Of prime necessity is life: a style should live.” I have no idea what that means.

Enjoy or be driven to drink, depending on your point of view.

—Malcolm

Dumping cats out in the country

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn cats

If you live in the country, you know there’s a low-life kind of person who decides s/he is tired of her pet and figures the best thing to do is drive out in the country and throw it out the window.  We hope that the healthy black and white house cat that showed up on our front porch wandered away from his house and that the owner is looking for him.

In spite of the myth that everyone in the country is hoping for a young barn cat,  those who throw cats out the window know the odds are the cat isn’t going to live. Many get run over. Others are attacked by dogs, coyotes, and hawks. Or go hungry because they grew up in a warm house and are used to Purina Cat Chow and 9Lives rather than hunting for field mice.

If we were “cat people” in between cats, we’d let this one in the house because it’s too darned cold out there for an indoor cat. But, we have too elderly female cats and don’t think introducing a young male cat into the household is safe; plus, it might have fleas, and one of our cats is allergic to flea medications. So we took a large carton and made a door in the end of it and filled it with towels. The cat seems to like it. We’ve also been putting out food.

Since my wife grew up on this property and has people on her Facebook profile who’ve been around here forever, she posted a picture of the cat, saying she figured it was lost or needed a new home. So far, no response. She’ll do that again after the holidays. We hope an owner shows up and tells us they’ve been looking for the cat for weeks but never thought it would wander this far from the house.

That’s what we want. We’re keeping our fingers crossed (figuratively speaking). It’s healthy, clean, and appears to have been well cared for. If it were my cat, I’d be driving 24/7 until I found it.

—Malcolm

Since all four novels in my Florida Folk Magic Series feature a cat, it’s easy to tell that I’m a cat person.

Infinity, and beyond

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writing

“To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour.” – William Blake

Writers are often sustained by words, sometimes their own coming upon them like magic and visions, more often by those of the great visionaries like William Blake. The words, of course, lead writers higher than their own fragile wings can carry them without the power of what is infinite.

Frontispiece to Jerusalem is a painting by William Blake

 

The words and art of William Blake (November 1757 – August 1827) often suffice for me. I am drawn toward the words of mystics and visionaries. To my knowledge, no living person has mastered the fictional power of Gandalf or the wizards-in-training at Hogwarts. We have not yet learned how to use the higher powers within us to stop a bomb from exploding in downtown Nashville or a plane from crashing or a building from burning to the ground.

Our natural tendency to hate those responsible for exploding bombs and other terrorist activities probably impedes our progress toward mastery of what Marianne Williams was speaking of when she said, “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure” and what William Blake was speaking of when he said, “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”

We are focused on the material close at hand, I think, rather than the larger picture of perception and what is behind the material universe we are aware of through our five senses. Until we grasp that larger picture, we’re not free, are we, and we will continue to view horrible events as fate or even the will of the gods.

When I look for quotations to post on Facebook before signing off for the evening, I find many soul-sustaining words. I choose Blake. Perhaps you choose Walt Whitman or Mary Oliver. No matter: the words that sustain us carry us higher than the sky where our destiny awaits.

—Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of contemporary fantasy and magical realism novels and short stories, including “Fate’s Arrows.”

Nashville December 25th

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writing2 Comments

On December 25, 2020, a car bomb detonated in downtown Nashville, Tennessee, United States, injuring at least three people and damaging dozens of buildings. The explosion took place on 2nd Avenue North between Church Street and Commerce Street at 6:29 a.m local time (CST). Officials have characterized the explosion as an “intentional act,” with reports of potentially multiple explosive devices being investigated. The explosion was felt “miles” away from the blast site. The Nashville Fire Department evacuated the downtown riverfront following the bombing. Witnesses reported hearing “gunshots early in the morning and a message coming from an RV parked in the street warning anyone in the area to evacuate.” The Federal Bureau of Investigation has taken over the investigation into the bombing. – Wikipedia

All we can do at this point is to ask “Why?”

And, due to the quick response of the police, there appear to be no casualties, thank goodness for that.

Perhaps it was too much to hope for that we would escape 2020 without another nasty event, another example, apparently, of the worst of human nature playing out in another public drama.

Sad news to wake up to on Christmas morning.

–Malcolm