Status of Balloon: In the Atlantic Ocean
Destination of Balloon: Davy Jones’ Locker
Alternative Destination: Coast Guard Cutter Recovery.
Assuming the balloon is sent to Quantico for analysis, lab technicians will discover it was shooting background footage for a new Chinese reality show to be called “See the USA in your Dongfeng (东风汽车公司) Venuci e30 electric car.” Initially, Dongfeng Motor Co., Ltd executives wanted to use a copycat version of Diana Shore’s: “See The U.S.A. In Your Chevrolet,” but re-thought the matter when contacted by General Motors’ legal department.
Episodes in pre-production centered around the Chén family visiting iconic American tourist destinations in between stops to take selfies at missile installations and other sensitive sites. To meet sponsor requirements, the e30 would appear in many of these selfies.
Chinese officials said that while the balloon was programmed to monitor the weather and U.S. Navy ships in the South China Sea, once it went off course, the footage shot in the U. S. wasn’t any different than “scenes Americans see every day without even thinking about them.”
According to spokesmen who were later thrown in prison, the show to be released internationally during the year of the Rabbit was intended to humanize Chinese tourists as “just regular folks inasmuch as only 18% of them are spies.”
Plans to include a walk-on appearance by President Biden have been denied by the White House.