Washington, D. C., February 24, 2022, Star-Gazer News Service–The Federal Government has borrowed a Civil War era canon from the Smithsonian and installed if on the White House roof as part of the new multi-part protocol for ending the pandemic.
Based on theories that circulated during Yellow Fever epidemics that posited that the fever was caused by a miasma in the air, the canon will fire hourly during the nighttime hours (from the twilight’s last gleaming to the dawn’s early light) to disrupt the dangerous miasma and render it inert.
According to informed sources, the Alternate Center for Disease Control ACDC) hadn’t thought about using a fever canon until a janitor read the January 21 edition of the Malcolm’s Round Table blog which mentioned thge use of such canons.
Presidential aide Sue Smith said in this morning’s news conference that the Washington Monument will be closed until further notice due to damages caused by canon balls.
“We just assumed the canon had to be loaded,” she said. “After destroying a section of the monument and taking out several tourist buses, we were informed that the sound of the canon was enough to put a dent in the miasma throughout the city.”
Smith also acknowledged that the President has moved to an undiscloed location, probably the Day’s Inn at 4400 Connecticut Avenue, since the canon made sleep inpossible.
The ACDC is recommending that fever canons be installed in all major cities until the pandemic “cries uncle.” While some experts have suggested burning tar in barrels on major street corners to further disperse the miasma, their ideas have been dimissed as “pretty damn stupid.”
Smith cautioned that fever canons have not been approved for home use though Second Amendment scholars believe every American has a right to a front yard canon.
Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter