Category: satire

Florida to Ban All Books in All Public and School Libraries

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satireLeave a comment

Tallahassee, Florida, June 7, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–The Governor’s office announced here today that all books held in public school libraries, state university libraries, and city/county libraries are banned until further notice.

According to more or less informed sources, the action will save taxpayers millions of dollars that have heretofore been used to ban books individually.

Chief of Staff Honoré de Balzac told reporters at this morning’s briefing, “Le Gouverneur travaille 24 heures sur 24 pour garder les mauvais livres loin de tout le monde.” A translator flown to Tallahassee from Paris said that Balzac said, more or less, that the Governor was spending a lot of time and money chasing his tail on the book banning program and needed to use the time and money to govern the entire state and destroy Disney instead of worrying about “nasty” books.

DeSantis, who claims to be an “old fashioned American with old fashioned American values as promulgated in the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books,” said that HB7, known as the Stop W.O.K.E. act was passed “to keep our state from being taken over my the kinds of screwed up people who belong in California and other godless places like Oregon.”

According to Balzac, “Le canular de l’interdiction des livres est désormais une réalité.” His statement was translated to mean “a hoax is a hoax is a hoax.”

Stoned sources said that DeSantis wants to return Florida–and the entire country–to the out-of-date ideas of the Founding Fathers who–if alive today–wouldn’t know the difference between a thumb drive and sitting on ones thumb.

“I’m a mom, apple pie, and The Good Book kind of guy,” DeSantis said, “and that means woke is broke.”

–Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

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‘They’ are coming for your grits

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire, writing5 Comments

Rolling Fork, Mississippi, May 5, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service – While nobody knows for sure who “they” are, it was announced here today in the Mississippi Delta that “they” are coming for your grits, the sacred boiled cornmeal that defines the soul of everything holy from the from deep Texas to the outlier suburbs of the nation’s capital.

Grits1.jpgThey already came for your guns, your books, and your gas stoves, but that wasn’t enough, according to Libertarian Think tanks, to subdue the remains of the South, the fall-guy region for everything “they” claim is wrong with this country. To subdue the South, “they” also needed the food that defines the South, the precious gift from the Mvskoke Nation in time out of mind.

“They” don’t precisely know what grits are, but most of “them” saw the movie “True Grit” and think that Mattie and U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn ate grits three times a day to get their courage and their resolve, the last things “they” want fueling Southern men and women in a day and time when “they” prefer differing points of view to be banned because points of view make some people uncomfortable.

Grits Commissioner Ned Pepper told reporters that grits trucks would begin “raking in grits” at every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse where grits are suspected to be stored on July 4th, 2023.

“We’re going to get your grits because the country can no longer abide a food considered ‘Coarse meal’ any more than we can abide coarse words or ideas that make anyone uncomfortable,” Pepper said.

According to informed sources at the Grit Commission Office, people, in general, are scared of grits and believe they are delivered to addicted Southerners in conjure bags after being hexed by Satan’s minions in piney woods hoodoo rituals that defy recent revisions to the Bill of Rights that allow “they/them” to interpret the country’s raison dêtre more creatively than the Founding Fathers thought possible.

“We’re going to become a homogenized hashed browns nation from the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters,” they said.

–Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter.

Feds say they’re solving global warming with ice cubes.

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire, writing

Washington, D. C., April 21, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–“We’re not taking coals to Newcastle, we’re taking ice cubes to the Artic to lower temperatures, stop rapidly melting snow and ice, and put an end to the rising sea levels,” Homeland Security Deputy for Hail Mary Causes Bill Smith told reporters here today.

According to the department’s website, the original plan was mounting air conditioners on top of pack ice,  but scientists vetoed the idea due to classified logistics problems. Planners said that adding ice to ice made more sense.

President Joe Biden kicked off the plan by throwing the first “ice to the Artic” cube out the window of Air Force One late last night.

“It was better than starting the baseball season by throwing out the first call at Wrigley Field,” he said.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre downplayed the President’s purported disappointment after he received an e-mail from Barack Obama that said, “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”

“He used to hear that a lot when he was Vice President,” the press secretary said.

Project managers said that the ice cubes are not, as some Republicans have suggested, coming from the freezer of an old Frigidaire in the basement of the White House.  They are, in fact, being harvested from existing glaciers around the world and transported to drop zones by retrofitted DC-3 aircraft.

Volunteers at coastal communities that are viewed as the greatest risk, are measuring the mean sea level daily to help Homeland Security chart the progress of the project.

“We’re determined to save the planet with ice cubes,” said Smith, “even if hell has to freeze over first.”

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Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Feds Establish Star Chamber Bureau to Tell Citizens What’s True and What’s False

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Washington, D.C., April 29, 2022, Star-Gazer News Service–The Imperial Federal Government has announced the creation of a new Star Chamber Bureau within the Department of Homeland Insecurity to winnow out opinions that the government does not like.

Inspired by the FISA Courts, the new bureau will monitor newspapers, bloggers, and social media for signs of any discouraging words about government policies and programs.

According to a bureau spokesperson, “dictatorships around the world have created a sense of ease and happiness via so-called bureaus of truth that determined who was lying and who wasn’t. As always, truth is the first casualty.”

Adolph Stalin, speaking under an immunity clause to keep his name out of the newspapers said that “for speech to be truly free, it must first be vetted by the government to ensure that it’s wholesome for all concerned rather than a rant by an opposing political party, PAC, news organization, or misguided Facebook commenter.”

“Today’s liberals are no longer your daddy’s liberals,” Stalin added.

Homeland Security Secretary Sam Smith said during a congressional hearing Wednesday the department is forming the disinformation bureau to protect the homeland and election security.

“We no longer have the luxury of public and private discourse based on a democratic marketplace of ideas,” said Smith. “Now we will tell you those things you must consider as the truth whether they are true or not.”

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Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Malcolm’s Books: A Getting Started Guide

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

In general, reading my books is a matter of seeing one word after another.

If your local bricks and mortar bookstore doesn’t have a copy of the book you’re looking for, you can: (a) ask why the hell not, (b) show the clerk or manager the listing for the book on one of the many online booksellers where it can be found and order it while s/he gasps in horror, or (c) tell them they can order the book from their Ingram catalog in the same manner that got all the other books into the building (unless they rely on elves).

If you don’t know the names of any of my books don’t admit it to any other writers since some of those writers might have “mob enforcers” who will teach you a lesson.

If you’re in a literature class taking a test, you’ll probably see questions like this: Which of the following books was written by Malcolm?

  1. The Great Gatsby
  2. A Visit from the Goon Squad
  3. Still Life With Woodpecker
  4. Fate’s Arrows
  5. All of the above
  6. None of the above
  7. One, two, and three above

If the book cover shown here appears on the test, you’ve “accidentally” gotten the professor’s grading copy; your next step depends on (a) whether or not the professor or a grad student monitor is sitting at the front of the room staring at you, (b) the number of security cams in the room, (c) the size of the mob enforcers patrolling the aisles, or (d) dumb luck.

Once you have a hardcover, paperback, or Kindle/Nook copy of my book in front of you, it’s best to start reading from the beginning unless you’re one of those creeps who goes to the back of the book first to see if anything bad or scary happened.

Before you start reading, hire a mob enforcer to keep anyone from messing with you (or else).

Feel free to drink while reading the book. I suggest Scotch or red wine. Getting drunk will probably cause you to say I wrote The Great Gatsby on the next pop quiz. (If the book in front of you ends with the line “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past,” you are reading The Great Gatsby and that means the book store or the mob enforcer is messing with you.)

While this getting started guide was prepared at great expense, it’s free for you, “gentle reader.”

Malcolm or Bennie Salazar or Gulietta

Just stop it!

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire
  1. Passed. When somebody dies, say they died. When you tell me they passed, I think they’re in the fast lane or they’re went past GO and collected $200. 
  2. Kick the Bucket: Yes, say this if you want, but nobody says this any more so if you say it people will look at you funny. Of course, if they’re already looking at you funny, then you’re on your own.
  3. Dirt Shower. This is gross. Just stop it.
  4. Lost her Battle: Hmmm. Needless to say, everyone loses their battle sooner or later, but if somebody fights as dread disease for a long time, they get special treament in the obituaries when they take a dirt shower. However, don’t say, “Dirt showers for $100, Alex.”
  5. They met an untimely end. This presumes there’s such a thing as a timely end. 
  6. Lived a long and happy life. Aw, isn’t this sweet? This is just another way of saying that being dead is okay because the guy/lady who kicked the bucket did a lot of good stuff, had fun, made money, had great sex, wrote twenty bestselling novels, &c. If you’re talking about a person who’s my age or younger, I don’t want to hear the long and happy life euphemism. Makes me think it’s time for me to do.
  7. Bite the Big One. The big what?
  8. Bought the Farm. Sometimes, people actually buy farms, so this leads to confusion. Just stop it!
  9. Number was up. I’ve always wondered where these numbers come from, like what is there a big lottery wheel or cosmic game of craps? The only good thing about this, is that if your number isn’t up, you can do any dangerous thing you want without worrying about biting the big one.
  10. Shuffled off the mortal coil. My goodness, are people still saying this who are (a) sane, (b) not perforning in a Shakespeare play, or (c) haven’t already passed? 
  11. Was called home. I hear this at funerals which is one reason I avoid the kind of funeral where somebody’s likely to say this. 
  12. Gave up the ghost. Look, this is pathetic and starts people talking about going to a conjure woman and getting protection against haints. Paint your door blue and old uncle Bill won’t haunt your ass.
  13. Got struck off the Chrismas letter list. Fortunately, fewer and fewer people are sending out Christmas letters these days and those who still do make the recipients wish the senders had been called home at the beginning of the year before they had time to do stuff to brag about in the letters. 

—Malcolm

 

Feds Advise Getting Drunk Until Everything Blows Over

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Washington, D. C, Star-Gazer News Service, March 31, 2021–The Department of Homeland Security, still reeling over the fact that most Americans don’t think it’s necessary, suggested at this morning’s briefing that true patriots should go out and get drunk until the “shit stops hitting the fan.”

Sub-deputy Fibber McGee said, “Most people calling our helpline tell us they don’t feel very secure because the right hand of government doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. One day it’s wear your masks, the next day it’s don’t wear your masks. One day, it’s everything’s fine at the border, the next day it’s nothing’s fine at the border.”

“T’ain’t funny, McGee!” said Molly, office secretary

“I’m coming out of the closet, which ain’t easy, to tell you a lot of stuff here at Feds-Are-Us is busted. The media and the GOP people and the nutcases won’t give us a moment’s peace. We need six months of drunken citizens who don’t know shit from Shinola so we can get our act together.”

According to informed sources, the department will soon dispense a five-gallon supply of spirits to cover the cost of getting drunk along with a get-out-of-jail-free card for those who get drunk in all the wrong places.

“Fibber won’t lie to you like most Feds,” said Molly. “This here situation with the nation’s so-called ‘brain trust’ is looking more and more like a no-brainer because our critics keep saying we don’t know our ‘you know what’ from a hole in the ground.”

A whitepaper produced by the FBI says that “more people than ever” are pissed off at the federal government for “talking out of both sides of its mouth.”

“That’s why public drunkenness is so essential during these hopeless times,” the report concluded.

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Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

 

 

USPS to cut mail delivery times to be more competitive

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire2 Comments

Washington, D. C., Star-Gazer News Service, March 23, 2021–The postmaster general announced here today that the post office plans to become more competitive with alternative services by cutting office hours and taking longer to deliver the mail.

Informed spokesmen said that the proposed new slogan for the U.S. Postal Service will be: “When it absolutely doesn’t have to get there at all.”

According to Program Manager Bob Smith, “The expensive new processing equipment and other advanced technology aren’t expected to improve first-class mail or package delivery times as much as they will impress school children and others taking tours of postal facilities.

In a white paper released via PRNEWSWIRE, the watchdog group Just Waiting for the Mail said that the planned new uniforms will improve the “cuteness factor” for those thinking about making the USPS a number one career choice. The uniforms’ specifications include upgraded spud guns for controlling dogs, and possibly Democrats, that hassle delivery personnel.

Smith smiled when he said, “We are proud to embrace the term ‘snail mail,’ and promise to do our best to live up to that expectation of our services.”

A new mail slot in re-designed post offices will be named “Feeling Lucky.” Most mail inserted through that slot will fall into a trashcan while a “modest number” will be sent via priority mail even though such mail is no longer a priority.

—Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Cereal Killer Turns Breakfast into Time of Horror for Small Town

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire1 Comment

Immokalee, Florida, February 27, 2021, Star-Gazer News Service–In a town where the most dangerous predators are alligators, and lately Burmese Pythons coming out of South Florida’s swamps, nobody thought Frosted Flakes boxes would ever be enclosed in yellow police crime scene tape on the front lawns of houses along highway 29 as far south as Everglades City.

According to Collier County sheriff Mort Gillespie, what has become a major crime spree began when little Bobby went to the pantry to grab a box of Frosted Flakes for breakfast and discovered it was missing. In between the Wheaties and the Raisin Bran boxed at a note typed in 14 point Georgia:

Call the Police and Tony the Tiger Dies.

Bobby’s father, Elmer, called his friend Mort Gillespie since the note didn’t prohibit calling either the sheriff or the highway patrol.

Evidence tech techs tore apart the pantry looking for clues. And they found a fingerprint match to the notorious cereal killer Conrad Jones who hadn’t been active in ten years.

“What brought him out of the woodwork?” mused the sheriff.

“We held a cereal camp several weeks ago,” said Mort. “We got a lot of publicity. Tony the Tiger held multiple interviews where he stressed the values of a good breakfast and sports.”

According to the sheriff’s department, news of the crime wasn’t released to the public until a battered box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes was found in a lonely alley near the casino.  Two days later, a box of Rice Krispies was discovered hanging from a palm tree several miles away.

According to the Florida Highway Patrol, state troopers are canvassing neighborhoods and hauling in the usual suspects to learn whether anyone on the street knows the whereabouts of Conrad Jones.

“This is especially hard on the kids,” said FHP spokesman Harold Atkins. “We’re asking for the public’s help in locating witnesses and cereal lovers, in general, to make breakfast safe again. After all, it’s the most important meal of the day.”

—Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

If you remember the “Hut Sut Song,’ you’re too old for the Internet

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Internet or Bust

Like the 1959 Chevy Corvair that Ralph Nader called “the one-car accident,” the Internet seems to be a one-scam bankruptcy plan for seniors.

The Nigerian Prince scam is kid stuff (apparently) according to the warnings I see on AARP and elsewhere about the crooks waiting for me to on the Internet.

Supposedly, the Internet–and I’m not even talking about the dark web–is about as unsafe and unwholesome as the worst part of the bad part of town.

Can you imagine, at my age, I’m still solicited by online hookers? I feel like responding, “Where were you when I was 21?” But I don’t because I know that even an innocent comment like that will bring shame, scandal, and jail time.

For all I know, scam artists are probably robbing me blind and I haven’t even seen it. Thinking that if you can’t beat them, join them, I went to the art department of a major university and signed up for the Scam Art course.  Cost me $10,000. The whole shebang was a scam.

As for the “Hut Sut Song,” it’s nonsense from the 1940s. You can Google it if you don’t remember it. If you do remember it, log off the Internet immediately because most online pros consider you to be prey. And you are.

So am I. But I like to live dangerously. So do you, or you wouldn’t be reading this post.  I promise you, there is no malware here, no fake sweepstakes info, no phony prescription drug deals or fake anti-aging products, and no sweetheart scams. I’m amazed at the number of scams out here. But they all seem to play on what we want most: perfect health, infinity and beyond.

Really, there’s no free lunch is there? But we can always hope, and that’s why we’re prey.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of the satirical comedy “Special Investigative Reporter.”