Tallahassee, Florida, June 7, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–The Governor’s office announced here today that all books held in public school libraries, state university libraries, and city/county libraries are banned until further notice.
According to more or less informed sources, the action will save taxpayers millions of dollars that have heretofore been used to ban books individually.
Chief of Staff Honoré de Balzac told reporters at this morning’s briefing, “Le Gouverneur travaille 24 heures sur 24 pour garder les mauvais livres loin de tout le monde.” A translator flown to Tallahassee from Paris said that Balzac said, more or less, that the Governor was spending a lot of time and money chasing his tail on the book banning program and needed to use the time and money to govern the entire state and destroy Disney instead of worrying about “nasty” books.
DeSantis, who claims to be an “old fashioned American with old fashioned American values as promulgated in the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books,” said that HB7, known as the Stop W.O.K.E. act was passed “to keep our state from being taken over my the kinds of screwed up people who belong in California and other godless places like Oregon.”
According to Balzac, “Le canular de l’interdiction des livres est désormais une réalité.” His statement was translated to mean “a hoax is a hoax is a hoax.”
Stoned sources said that DeSantis wants to return Florida–and the entire country–to the out-of-date ideas of the Founding Fathers who–if alive today–wouldn’t know the difference between a thumb drive and sitting on ones thumb.
“I’m a mom, apple pie, and The Good Book kind of guy,” DeSantis said, “and that means woke is broke.”
–Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter