Malcolm’s Books: A Getting Started Guide

In general, reading my books is a matter of seeing one word after another.

If your local bricks and mortar bookstore doesn’t have a copy of the book you’re looking for, you can: (a) ask why the hell not, (b) show the clerk or manager the listing for the book on one of the many online booksellers where it can be found and order it while s/he gasps in horror, or (c) tell them they can order the book from their Ingram catalog in the same manner that got all the other books into the building (unless they rely on elves).

If you don’t know the names of any of my books don’t admit it to any other writers since some of those writers might have “mob enforcers” who will teach you a lesson.

If you’re in a literature class taking a test, you’ll probably see questions like this: Which of the following books was written by Malcolm?

  1. The Great Gatsby
  2. A Visit from the Goon Squad
  3. Still Life With Woodpecker
  4. Fate’s Arrows
  5. All of the above
  6. None of the above
  7. One, two, and three above

If the book cover shown here appears on the test, you’ve “accidentally” gotten the professor’s grading copy; your next step depends on (a) whether or not the professor or a grad student monitor is sitting at the front of the room staring at you, (b) the number of security cams in the room, (c) the size of the mob enforcers patrolling the aisles, or (d) dumb luck.

Once you have a hardcover, paperback, or Kindle/Nook copy of my book in front of you, it’s best to start reading from the beginning unless you’re one of those creeps who goes to the back of the book first to see if anything bad or scary happened.

Before you start reading, hire a mob enforcer to keep anyone from messing with you (or else).

Feel free to drink while reading the book. I suggest Scotch or red wine. Getting drunk will probably cause you to say I wrote The Great Gatsby on the next pop quiz. (If the book in front of you ends with the line “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past,” you are reading The Great Gatsby and that means the book store or the mob enforcer is messing with you.)

While this getting started guide was prepared at great expense, it’s free for you, “gentle reader.”

Malcolm or Bennie Salazar or Gulietta