Washington, D. C., April 21, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–“We’re not taking coals to Newcastle, we’re taking ice cubes to the Artic to lower temperatures, stop rapidly melting snow and ice, and put an end to the rising sea levels,” Homeland Security Deputy for Hail Mary Causes Bill Smith told reporters here today.

According to the department’s website, the original plan was mounting air conditioners on top of pack ice,  but scientists vetoed the idea due to classified logistics problems. Planners said that adding ice to ice made more sense.

President Joe Biden kicked off the plan by throwing the first “ice to the Artic” cube out the window of Air Force One late last night.

“It was better than starting the baseball season by throwing out the first call at Wrigley Field,” he said.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre downplayed the President’s purported disappointment after he received an e-mail from Barack Obama that said, “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”

“He used to hear that a lot when he was Vice President,” the press secretary said.

Project managers said that the ice cubes are not, as some Republicans have suggested, coming from the freezer of an old Frigidaire in the basement of the White House.  They are, in fact, being harvested from existing glaciers around the world and transported to drop zones by retrofitted DC-3 aircraft.

Volunteers at coastal communities that are viewed as the greatest risk, are measuring the mean sea level daily to help Homeland Security chart the progress of the project.

“We’re determined to save the planet with ice cubes,” said Smith, “even if hell has to freeze over first.”

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Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter