Rolling Fork, Mississippi, May 5, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service – While nobody knows for sure who “they” are, it was announced here today in the Mississippi Delta that “they” are coming for your grits, the sacred boiled cornmeal that defines the soul of everything holy from the from deep Texas to the outlier suburbs of the nation’s capital.

They already came for your guns, your books, and your gas stoves, but that wasn’t enough, according to Libertarian Think tanks, to subdue the remains of the South, the fall-guy region for everything “they” claim is wrong with this country. To subdue the South, “they” also needed the food that defines the South, the precious gift from the Mvskoke Nation in time out of mind.

“They” don’t precisely know what grits are, but most of “them” saw the movie “True Grit” and think that Mattie and U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn ate grits three times a day to get their courage and their resolve, the last things “they” want fueling Southern men and women in a day and time when “they” prefer differing points of view to be banned because points of view make some people uncomfortable.

Grits Commissioner Ned Pepper told reporters that grits trucks would begin “raking in grits” at every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse where grits are suspected to be stored on July 4th, 2023.

“We’re going to get your grits because the country can no longer abide a food considered ‘Coarse meal’ any more than we can abide coarse words or ideas that make anyone uncomfortable,” Pepper said.

According to informed sources at the Grit Commission Office, people, in general, are scared of grits and believe they are delivered to addicted Southerners in conjure bags after being hexed by Satan’s minions in piney woods hoodoo rituals that defy recent revisions to the Bill of Rights that allow “they/them” to interpret the country’s raison dêtre more creatively than the Founding Fathers thought possible.

“We’re going to become a homogenized hashed browns nation from the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters,” they said.

–Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter.