Category: satire

Satire’s getting harder and harder to write

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Why?

First, I’ll leave Andy Borowitz’s satircal column in the New Yorker out of that point of view. He’s a pro and manages to keep turning out good stuff.

Most of my satirical books disappeared when my former publisher suddenly closed without assiging the rights to its authors works to the authors.

Otherwise, I find that a lot of the real news sounds like satire (and might be) or is too grim to satirize. Even if it were funny, satire aboud the Israeli  war in Gaza and the latest mass shooting would be in very poor taste.

I tended to write satire about the parts of government I don’t like, the TSA and Homeland Security, for example. The most fun-to-write satire (for me) took something the government was actually doing and maded it worse than it was–assuming that was possible.

But now I find most of the news so grim, it’s hard to place a humorous spin on it. That’s too bad because satire has been a time-honored  method of  poking fun at inept leaders and  their policies. “MAD Magazine” was a favorite of mine when I was in highschool.  Even better was “Punch Magazine” (1841 – 1992 with a short-lived revival between 1996 and 2002) from Britain. I found it amusing even thouh I was never really up to dte about British politics.

I’m also a fan of France’s Charlie Hebdo which features work that’s a bit edgy.

The Shakespeare plays are filled with statire, lines that work within the context of the story and also poke at the existing monarchy. My favorite comes from Hamlet in the lines: “The play’s the thing/ Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king.”

In satire, we’re always trying to catch the conscience of the king or the president or the head of some agency.

To my mind, government lends itself to satire because it’s so inept at everything.  That’s my Libertaian point of view. Like Jonathan Swift, we all want to write a modest proposal.

–Malcolm

WH discloses Biden has watched ‘Barbie’ thirteen times

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Washington, D.C., July 26/2023, Star-Gazer News Service–President Biden, who admits he bought the first Barbie doll when it came out in 1959, told reporters that people “who suspect they’re losing their marbles will be returned to sanity to the greatest extent possible by interacting with a Barbie doll collection,” has viewed the new “Barbie” fantasy/comedy film thirteen times.

In spite of stories on Fox News, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said that charges that Biden stole Vice President Kamala D. Harris’ Barbie doll collection and hid it in the White House China (Dish) Room are “bloody false.”

According to Jean-Pierre, “The  President’s doll collection is large enough to withstand acts of God, so he has no need of filching Kamala’s dolls.”

Informed sources say that Biden’s doll collection has been common knowledge amongst reporters who, generally speaking, never mentioned it in print since it would sound like fake news.

Biden, who shared his collection with the 44th U.S. President, Barack Obama for security reasons, said that “while “Barbie” is the epitome of a joyous, transforming movie, “Oppenheimer focuses on the negative, Republican-style view of the cosmos. What sane person goes around saying, ‘Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.’?”

White House insiders have sworn on a stack of Bibles that the President requires the First Lady, Jill Biden, to wear costumes made popular by the Barbie dolls while the often sits at his Oval Office desk dressed as Ken.

“It’s so sweet,” a White House clerk said, “because it’s human and defines the administration’s approach to political issues.”

Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

‘The Borowitz Report’ (not the news)

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

“Andy Borowitz (born January 4, 1958)is an American writer, comedian, satirist, and actor. Borowitz is a New York Times-bestselling author who won the first National Press Club award for humor. He is known for creating the NBC sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and the satirical column The Borowitz Report.” – Wikipedia

The Borowitz Report was acquired by the New Yorker Magazine in 2012. Due to the prevalence of fake news claims throughout the country, the New Yorker added the tagline “not the news” in 2016. If you sign up for the newsletter, it arrives in your in-basket with funny satire that you’ll wish you had written.

Today’s satirical story is headlined:

Pence Admits to Spending Entire Campaign Fund on Taylor Swift Ticket and begins, “In an emotional press conference, former Vice-President Mike Pence revealed that he had spent all of his Presidential campaign’s funds on a ticket to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.”

You can also find Borowitz’s satire in book form such as The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers described by the publisher as “From the man The Wall Street Journal hailed as a “Swiftean satirist” comes the most shocking book ever written! The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers, by award-winning fake journalist Andy Borowitz, contains page after page of “news stories” too hot, too controversial, too — yes, shocking — for the mainstream press to handle. Sample the groundbreaking reporting from the news organization whose motto is “Give us thirty minutes — we’ll waste it.”

I look forward to the Borowitz report e-mails because they provide welcome smiles amidst the chaos of real news reporting.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell’s political satire books are, sadly, out of print.

Florida to Ban All Books in All Public and School Libraries

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Tallahassee, Florida, June 7, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–The Governor’s office announced here today that all books held in public school libraries, state university libraries, and city/county libraries are banned until further notice.

According to more or less informed sources, the action will save taxpayers millions of dollars that have heretofore been used to ban books individually.

Chief of Staff Honoré de Balzac told reporters at this morning’s briefing, “Le Gouverneur travaille 24 heures sur 24 pour garder les mauvais livres loin de tout le monde.” A translator flown to Tallahassee from Paris said that Balzac said, more or less, that the Governor was spending a lot of time and money chasing his tail on the book banning program and needed to use the time and money to govern the entire state and destroy Disney instead of worrying about “nasty” books.

DeSantis, who claims to be an “old fashioned American with old fashioned American values as promulgated in the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books,” said that HB7, known as the Stop W.O.K.E. act was passed “to keep our state from being taken over my the kinds of screwed up people who belong in California and other godless places like Oregon.”

According to Balzac, “Le canular de l’interdiction des livres est désormais une réalité.” His statement was translated to mean “a hoax is a hoax is a hoax.”

Stoned sources said that DeSantis wants to return Florida–and the entire country–to the out-of-date ideas of the Founding Fathers who–if alive today–wouldn’t know the difference between a thumb drive and sitting on ones thumb.

“I’m a mom, apple pie, and The Good Book kind of guy,” DeSantis said, “and that means woke is broke.”

–Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

‘They’ are coming for your grits

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire, writing5 Comments

Rolling Fork, Mississippi, May 5, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service – While nobody knows for sure who “they” are, it was announced here today in the Mississippi Delta that “they” are coming for your grits, the sacred boiled cornmeal that defines the soul of everything holy from the from deep Texas to the outlier suburbs of the nation’s capital.

Grits1.jpgThey already came for your guns, your books, and your gas stoves, but that wasn’t enough, according to Libertarian Think tanks, to subdue the remains of the South, the fall-guy region for everything “they” claim is wrong with this country. To subdue the South, “they” also needed the food that defines the South, the precious gift from the Mvskoke Nation in time out of mind.

“They” don’t precisely know what grits are, but most of “them” saw the movie “True Grit” and think that Mattie and U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn ate grits three times a day to get their courage and their resolve, the last things “they” want fueling Southern men and women in a day and time when “they” prefer differing points of view to be banned because points of view make some people uncomfortable.

Grits Commissioner Ned Pepper told reporters that grits trucks would begin “raking in grits” at every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse where grits are suspected to be stored on July 4th, 2023.

“We’re going to get your grits because the country can no longer abide a food considered ‘Coarse meal’ any more than we can abide coarse words or ideas that make anyone uncomfortable,” Pepper said.

According to informed sources at the Grit Commission Office, people, in general, are scared of grits and believe they are delivered to addicted Southerners in conjure bags after being hexed by Satan’s minions in piney woods hoodoo rituals that defy recent revisions to the Bill of Rights that allow “they/them” to interpret the country’s raison dêtre more creatively than the Founding Fathers thought possible.

“We’re going to become a homogenized hashed browns nation from the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters,” they said.

–Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter.

Feds say they’re solving global warming with ice cubes.

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire, writing

Washington, D. C., April 21, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–“We’re not taking coals to Newcastle, we’re taking ice cubes to the Artic to lower temperatures, stop rapidly melting snow and ice, and put an end to the rising sea levels,” Homeland Security Deputy for Hail Mary Causes Bill Smith told reporters here today.

According to the department’s website, the original plan was mounting air conditioners on top of pack ice,  but scientists vetoed the idea due to classified logistics problems. Planners said that adding ice to ice made more sense.

President Joe Biden kicked off the plan by throwing the first “ice to the Artic” cube out the window of Air Force One late last night.

“It was better than starting the baseball season by throwing out the first call at Wrigley Field,” he said.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre downplayed the President’s purported disappointment after he received an e-mail from Barack Obama that said, “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”

“He used to hear that a lot when he was Vice President,” the press secretary said.

Project managers said that the ice cubes are not, as some Republicans have suggested, coming from the freezer of an old Frigidaire in the basement of the White House.  They are, in fact, being harvested from existing glaciers around the world and transported to drop zones by retrofitted DC-3 aircraft.

Volunteers at coastal communities that are viewed as the greatest risk, are measuring the mean sea level daily to help Homeland Security chart the progress of the project.

“We’re determined to save the planet with ice cubes,” said Smith, “even if hell has to freeze over first.”

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Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Feds Establish Star Chamber Bureau to Tell Citizens What’s True and What’s False

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Washington, D.C., April 29, 2022, Star-Gazer News Service–The Imperial Federal Government has announced the creation of a new Star Chamber Bureau within the Department of Homeland Insecurity to winnow out opinions that the government does not like.

Inspired by the FISA Courts, the new bureau will monitor newspapers, bloggers, and social media for signs of any discouraging words about government policies and programs.

According to a bureau spokesperson, “dictatorships around the world have created a sense of ease and happiness via so-called bureaus of truth that determined who was lying and who wasn’t. As always, truth is the first casualty.”

Adolph Stalin, speaking under an immunity clause to keep his name out of the newspapers said that “for speech to be truly free, it must first be vetted by the government to ensure that it’s wholesome for all concerned rather than a rant by an opposing political party, PAC, news organization, or misguided Facebook commenter.”

“Today’s liberals are no longer your daddy’s liberals,” Stalin added.

Homeland Security Secretary Sam Smith said during a congressional hearing Wednesday the department is forming the disinformation bureau to protect the homeland and election security.

“We no longer have the luxury of public and private discourse based on a democratic marketplace of ideas,” said Smith. “Now we will tell you those things you must consider as the truth whether they are true or not.”

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Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Malcolm’s Books: A Getting Started Guide

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

In general, reading my books is a matter of seeing one word after another.

If your local bricks and mortar bookstore doesn’t have a copy of the book you’re looking for, you can: (a) ask why the hell not, (b) show the clerk or manager the listing for the book on one of the many online booksellers where it can be found and order it while s/he gasps in horror, or (c) tell them they can order the book from their Ingram catalog in the same manner that got all the other books into the building (unless they rely on elves).

If you don’t know the names of any of my books don’t admit it to any other writers since some of those writers might have “mob enforcers” who will teach you a lesson.

If you’re in a literature class taking a test, you’ll probably see questions like this: Which of the following books was written by Malcolm?

  1. The Great Gatsby
  2. A Visit from the Goon Squad
  3. Still Life With Woodpecker
  4. Fate’s Arrows
  5. All of the above
  6. None of the above
  7. One, two, and three above

If the book cover shown here appears on the test, you’ve “accidentally” gotten the professor’s grading copy; your next step depends on (a) whether or not the professor or a grad student monitor is sitting at the front of the room staring at you, (b) the number of security cams in the room, (c) the size of the mob enforcers patrolling the aisles, or (d) dumb luck.

Once you have a hardcover, paperback, or Kindle/Nook copy of my book in front of you, it’s best to start reading from the beginning unless you’re one of those creeps who goes to the back of the book first to see if anything bad or scary happened.

Before you start reading, hire a mob enforcer to keep anyone from messing with you (or else).

Feel free to drink while reading the book. I suggest Scotch or red wine. Getting drunk will probably cause you to say I wrote The Great Gatsby on the next pop quiz. (If the book in front of you ends with the line “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past,” you are reading The Great Gatsby and that means the book store or the mob enforcer is messing with you.)

While this getting started guide was prepared at great expense, it’s free for you, “gentle reader.”

Malcolm or Bennie Salazar or Gulietta

Just stop it!

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire
  1. Passed. When somebody dies, say they died. When you tell me they passed, I think they’re in the fast lane or they’re went past GO and collected $200. 
  2. Kick the Bucket: Yes, say this if you want, but nobody says this any more so if you say it people will look at you funny. Of course, if they’re already looking at you funny, then you’re on your own.
  3. Dirt Shower. This is gross. Just stop it.
  4. Lost her Battle: Hmmm. Needless to say, everyone loses their battle sooner or later, but if somebody fights as dread disease for a long time, they get special treament in the obituaries when they take a dirt shower. However, don’t say, “Dirt showers for $100, Alex.”
  5. They met an untimely end. This presumes there’s such a thing as a timely end. 
  6. Lived a long and happy life. Aw, isn’t this sweet? This is just another way of saying that being dead is okay because the guy/lady who kicked the bucket did a lot of good stuff, had fun, made money, had great sex, wrote twenty bestselling novels, &c. If you’re talking about a person who’s my age or younger, I don’t want to hear the long and happy life euphemism. Makes me think it’s time for me to do.
  7. Bite the Big One. The big what?
  8. Bought the Farm. Sometimes, people actually buy farms, so this leads to confusion. Just stop it!
  9. Number was up. I’ve always wondered where these numbers come from, like what is there a big lottery wheel or cosmic game of craps? The only good thing about this, is that if your number isn’t up, you can do any dangerous thing you want without worrying about biting the big one.
  10. Shuffled off the mortal coil. My goodness, are people still saying this who are (a) sane, (b) not perforning in a Shakespeare play, or (c) haven’t already passed? 
  11. Was called home. I hear this at funerals which is one reason I avoid the kind of funeral where somebody’s likely to say this. 
  12. Gave up the ghost. Look, this is pathetic and starts people talking about going to a conjure woman and getting protection against haints. Paint your door blue and old uncle Bill won’t haunt your ass.
  13. Got struck off the Chrismas letter list. Fortunately, fewer and fewer people are sending out Christmas letters these days and those who still do make the recipients wish the senders had been called home at the beginning of the year before they had time to do stuff to brag about in the letters. 

—Malcolm

 

Feds Advise Getting Drunk Until Everything Blows Over

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Washington, D. C, Star-Gazer News Service, March 31, 2021–The Department of Homeland Security, still reeling over the fact that most Americans don’t think it’s necessary, suggested at this morning’s briefing that true patriots should go out and get drunk until the “shit stops hitting the fan.”

Sub-deputy Fibber McGee said, “Most people calling our helpline tell us they don’t feel very secure because the right hand of government doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. One day it’s wear your masks, the next day it’s don’t wear your masks. One day, it’s everything’s fine at the border, the next day it’s nothing’s fine at the border.”

“T’ain’t funny, McGee!” said Molly, office secretary

“I’m coming out of the closet, which ain’t easy, to tell you a lot of stuff here at Feds-Are-Us is busted. The media and the GOP people and the nutcases won’t give us a moment’s peace. We need six months of drunken citizens who don’t know shit from Shinola so we can get our act together.”

According to informed sources, the department will soon dispense a five-gallon supply of spirits to cover the cost of getting drunk along with a get-out-of-jail-free card for those who get drunk in all the wrong places.

“Fibber won’t lie to you like most Feds,” said Molly. “This here situation with the nation’s so-called ‘brain trust’ is looking more and more like a no-brainer because our critics keep saying we don’t know our ‘you know what’ from a hole in the ground.”

A whitepaper produced by the FBI says that “more people than ever” are pissed off at the federal government for “talking out of both sides of its mouth.”

“That’s why public drunkenness is so essential during these hopeless times,” the report concluded.

– 30 –

Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter