State Government Passes New Law, Makes Georgia a ‘monsoon state.’

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Storm Weather

Why would they do that? There’s probably money to be made or political debts to pay off. Or, maybe it’s just the typical government insanity we’re seeing far too much of these days. The current RADAR includes hidden tornados. Great. Some clown thought this was a sure route to “all that lucrative FEMA money.”

When it comes to government, I agree with Groucho Marks’ statement that “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”

From what I read on the news, FEMA isn’t very speedy when it comes to dispensing FEMA money. You have to suffer first–for a while. And finish burying your neighbors and kin.

Our indoor/outdoor cat is outdoors, watching for tornados, I guess. Or enjoying the rhythm of the falling rain. . .as the Cascades sang back in 1962. I think that’s Georgia’s new state song, replacing Hoagy Carmichael’s “Georgia on my Mind” which the federal weather service said wasn’t aggressive enough for tornado chasers.

Normally, I’d FedEx this weather to California, but I think they’re getting more rain than they bargained for while hoping that FEMA covers their losses. Don’t hold your breath out there, guys.

Somebody should have told the legislature that monsoon season in the U.S. is a June-to-September event that occurs in the southwest. Perhaps when it’s time to look for those to blame, we’ll say “just more global warming” while the guilty enjoy their FEMA money.

Malcolm

Don’t ask ‘How can things possibly get any worse in 2023?’

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn issues2 Comments

Used to be the worst thing that routinely happened with each new year was writing last year’s date on checks for several weeks. Now, I probably write one or two checks a year since online banking takes care of most of the bills. So, that’s the least of my worries.

Parade Entertainment Graphic

Since I’m superstitious, I try not to predict doomsday scenarios great and small because, well, fate likes pulling questions and predictions like that out from under us so it (fate) can provide what we fear most. I tend to agree with Carl Jung’s idea that “the more you resist anything in life, the more you bring it to you.”

That doesn’t mean we should do nothing while chaos reigns supreme on our doorstep. It’s the personal worry that draws fate our way, not actions meant to improve everything on our doorsteps, home towns, and possibly the world.

We see on the news that shooter incidents have increased, that police are looking the other way as shoplifting (often brazen) increases day by day, that sending Patriot Missiles to Ukraine risks Russian nuclear attacks, and that the seas are rising. I think most of us would prefer to see these problems go away. And yet, I suspect most of us are making them go away by covering our ears and eyes in an ostrich-head-in-the-sand “solution” to problems.

My hope for 2023 is that more people look at what’s happening and fight against it rather than pretending they’re not involved.

–Malcolm

One person can make a difference, a concept I explored in “Conjure Woman’s Cat.”

New Year’s Resolutions: Forget it

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn happy new year

If something’s important to me, I’ve already done it. Or I’m saving up money so I can afford to do it. So I’m not overly excited about the concept of New Year’s resolutions.

There’s a lot of information online about high-quality resolutions. If one likes resolutions, these places have interesting ideas. Among the more common resolutions are those that involve losing weight and getting more exercise. Nothing wrong with that, though I take issue with the concept of “losing weight.” I prefer “getting rid of weight” because stuff one loses is stuff one’s trying to find so that it’s no longer lost.

But we already know we should be doing such things, so why not start as soon as we can find a way to commit to it instead of waiting until January 1? I’ve never understood the fascination with the new year and turning over a new leaf.

According to 19 Mind-Blowing New Year’s Resolution Statistics (2023), “23% quit in the first week, and only 36% make it past the first month” and “9% successfully keep their New Year’s resolutions.”

I think people fail because the fad of setting New Year’s resolutions doesn’t mesh well with setting them when the time is right when you’re seriously ready to change. The website has some interesting ideas of its own for failed resolutions.

Since I can’t take the whole shebang seriously, I tend to offer sarcastic resolutions when places like Facebook ask what people have vowed to do or not do during the new year.

  1. Tell wife number 2 that there’s a wife number 1.
  2. Get in fewer bar fights.
  3. Stop robbing little old ladies on dark streets.
  4. Break out of the asylum when Nurse Ratched is drunk.
  5. Stop referring people to old friends to Abby and Martha Brewster for understanding and companionship.

So there it is if I have to do it, the list of my resolutions for 2023. I have few plans of keeping them except, maybe, #2.

Wishing you much success in whatever you resolve,

–Malcolm

If you like wild and sarcastic plots, you’ll love Special Investigative Reporter.

Every Christmas There’s At Least One Just-For-Fun Gift

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn happy holidays

My wife wins the prize with this year’s best just-for-fun gift. This one’s practical, so I can’t call it a gag gift. And though I rarely eat hot seat hot cereal other than the occasional bowl of oatmeal I’ll probably try this even though I like it mainly for the box. She found it in the online store of the Montana Historical Society.

Meanwhile, I’m enjoying reading The Guardians by John Grisham, a gift from my brother Barry and his wife Mary. It’s about an organization that works to get wrongly convicted people out of jail. So far, so good.

–Malcolm

Happy Boxing Day

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn happy holidays2 Comments

As I understand it, Boxing Day is one of those strange English Holidays that makes no sense at all since its purpose changed over time from giving gifts to the poor to watching old boxing matches.

Whenever my grandfather was visiting, we listened to every boxing match in the country on the radio–or later watched them on TV compliments of the Gillette Calvacade of Sports. So, because grandpa is probably keeping tabs on me, I’m watching the fight between Sonny Liston and Cassius Clay (as he was known at the time of the fight 1964 fight). I know how it turns out because, well, I was there when it happened–so to speak.

I hated boxing then and still hate it now, but I’m doing my duty watching Liston lose even though Clay was an underdog, some guy who spoke in poetry like: “If you want to lose your money, then bet on Sonny!”  I didn’t bet on anybody because grandpa said betting money on fights was wrong.

Some people in the States think Boxing Day is the day when people put stuff into boxes so they can re-gift it to the black sheep in the family a few years down the road. Now that, I could get behind more than watching Liston chasing Clay around the ring in the opening rounds of the fight.

While I supported Mohammad Ali’s (as Clay was later known) resistance to the draft, I thought that a little bit of his constant sing-song poetry went a long way. E.g.: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. His hands can’t hit what his eyes can’t see. Now you see me, now you don’t. George thinks he will, but I know he won’t.”

I didn’t want to see any of it and I’m sure that it warped my life. Goodness knows why I watched the Rocky movies. Duty, as I said.

–Malcolm

 

 

 

Merry Christmas without the Green Bean Casserole

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Christmas, writing

It is a popular side dish for Thanksgiving dinners in the United States and has been described as iconic. The recipe was created in 1955 by Dorcas Reilly at the Campbell Soup Company. As of 2020 Campbell’s estimated it was served in 20 million Thanksgiving dinners in the US each year and that 40% of the company’s cream of mushroom soup sales go into a version of the dish. -Wikipedia

I remember when this casserole first showed up. It was a big hit. Then it was a fad. Then, it became a joke. So I was surprised to see Campbell’s TV commercials advertising mushroom soup this fall that showed people serving the casserole and then to see in the Wikipedia quote that 40% of the company’s mushroom soup goes into this dish.

We used to use mushroom soup in stews and pot roasts but switched over to golden mushroom soup because we had this casserole so often, we couldn’t face mushroom soup anymore. We still like fried onions, but never saw as many of them in this casserole as shown in the picture from Wikipedia.

You won’t find green bean casserole at our house. Ever.

Whether you love the casserole or not, best wishes for a Merry Christmas.

–Malcolm

Limping through Christmas

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Potpourri4 Comments
  1. We both have the flu. (This is a fact and not a request for pity.)
  2. The temperature is 16° up from 13°. The wind chill is -2°, though it was lower during the night when the winds were brisker than necessary.
  3. Dear keyboard manufacturers. Why did you take the ° symbol off the keyboard so that I now have to type a COBOL routine to use it?
  4. I finally re-ordered three missing gifts for Lesa since the original shipper kept sending the items to Rangoon. They won’t get here in time, but maybe an IOU under the tree will suffice.
  5. Since nobody volunteered to send me any gumbo, we’re having chili. When I make it, it’s better than Wendy’s chili and that has to count for something.
  6. I read in the news that Putin wants to end the war with Ukraine. Okay, just withdraw your troops and stop shelling civilians and you’ll get your wish. I’m sure you recognize your spent rockets. Just don’t fire any more of them and the war will be over. It’s not rocket science.
  7. Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson over at “Fox News” claims that our representatives “clapped like seals” during Zelensky’s speech. So what? Many of them are seals.
  8. My publisher Thomas-Jacob sent out a cool end-of-the-year newsletter to subscribers with news and deals. You can get in on the action by subscribing. Click on the graphic for the subscription form.
  9. Robbie, our indoor/outdoor cat has spent most of the day outdoors. What the hell is he thinking?
  10. I hope you have a great Christmas–and stay warm.

–Malcolm

Gumbo: do you know what it is?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food

I’m a fan of cajun food, but will certainly eat creole food. I need somebody to make some proper gumbo and send it to my house ready to eat.

Here’s Wikipedia’s definition: “Gumbo (Louisiana Creole: Gombo) is a soup popular in the U.S. state of Louisiana, and is the official state cuisine.[1] Gumbo consists primarily of a strongly-flavored stock, meat or shellfish (or sometimes both), a thickener, and the Creole “holy trinity” ― celery, bell peppers, and onions. Gumbo is often categorized by the type of thickener used, whether okra or filé powder (dried and ground sassafras leaves)..”

I don’t approve of filé powder because it’s cheating and, after all, the okra IS the gumbo. Let’s face it, Northwest Georgia has very few Louisiana-style restaurants…not counting Popeye’s Chicken (which I like).

Unfortunately, nobody else in my family–including my brother and his wife in Orlando, my daughter and her family in Maryland, or my wife–likes cajun food.

Well then, no gumbo beneath the tree. Well then, maybe a vat of chili will do.

–Malcolm

Pre-Christmas Gumbo

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Potpourri, writing2 Comments
  • I’m sitting here sipping three fingers of wonderful single malt, thinking it must be 3:20 p .m. somewhere.
  • Téa Obreht’s Inland reminds me of the prose style of Cormac McCarthy. She uses two overlapping timelines and that makes reading a challenge. As you read, you may well wonder how so many well-meaning people come to ruin.
  • I may have to put some IOUs under the Christmas tree since several gifts I ordered for Lesa haven’t shown up even though I got at least four e-mails that said, “Your orders arrive today.” Nothing on the porch. Nothing in the mailbox. Nothing leaning against the garage door (it has happened). I finally sent a response back: “No they didn’t.” They said “OMG, we’ll get right on it.” I got to more “your order arrived today” e-mails today. If they don’t show up in today’s mail, I think it’s about time to say this store and those gifts are a lost cause.
  • As look at today’s national weather stories about the possibility of a bomb cyclone, I’m really happy I no longer live on the Illinois/Wisconsin border. You’ll notice that the graphic shows a few flakes drifting across the state line into Georgia. We’re promised little to no accumulation.
  • Our tree is up, but undecorated. No worries. There’s plenty of time. Last year, our tree stayed up until February. We have our own schedule here, having just mailed out the out-of-town gifts a few days ago. They’ll probably arrive late. People expect that of us. If they were to arrive on time, we’d get phone calls from folks saying, “Are you guys okay?”
  • Our nearby horse/dog/cat rescue and retirement farm is fighting higher and higher prices this year from maintenance to bales of hay. If you’re looking for a great organization to support, directly or via Amazon’s smile program, please consider Sun Kissed Acres. From their home page: Hundreds of horses have come to the farm, most have endured unspeakable cruelty and neglect. They come to us unable to stand, unable to trust, and they are given careful attention and veterinary care, a soft place to land.

–Malcolm

If you shop for Christmas gifts as late as I do, you can find some great books in my publisher’s catalogue.

Wind Chill Advisory? Huh, this is Georgia.

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writing

Look, when I lived on the Illinois/Wisconsin border, I expected this kind of thing–and worse. But I don’t expect it here in North Georgia. We already have snow in the forecast for Thursday night.

Is this climate change, a fluke, or Mother Nature run amock? Nobody seems to know. As long as our furnace keeps working and I don’t have to go outside, I guess it doesn’t much matter.

Today, the indoor/outdoor cat is already inside, much earlier than usual. When he came in, he was soaking wet. Fortunately, we have a towel in a box for him to curl up in and thaw out.

The HGTV network’s house hunter show keeps airing episodes in which people from the States are moving to the Mexican coast with the Pacific Ocean just outside the front door. I have to say, I’m tempted. well, not really, but figuratively speaking.

I’m just glad I no longer have to commute to Atlanta for work. Any mention of a snowflake–other than certain politicians–closes down the whole Interstate system which, even when it’s open on a sunny day, seems like it’s closed down. On the worst snow, we ever had–which was called “snow jam,’ my front-wheel drive Buick got us home when most people abandoned their cars on the side of the road. Not doing that again.

So, I’m not expecting an official snow jam here in Rome, Georgia. But if there is one, I don’t care, I’m retired and don’t have to go to work–or to the store for 1000000 rolls of toilet paper.

–Malcolm