If something’s important to me, I’ve already done it. Or I’m saving up money so I can afford to do it. So I’m not overly excited about the concept of New Year’s resolutions.

There’s a lot of information online about high-quality resolutions. If one likes resolutions, these places have interesting ideas. Among the more common resolutions are those that involve losing weight and getting more exercise. Nothing wrong with that, though I take issue with the concept of “losing weight.” I prefer “getting rid of weight” because stuff one loses is stuff one’s trying to find so that it’s no longer lost.

But we already know we should be doing such things, so why not start as soon as we can find a way to commit to it instead of waiting until January 1? I’ve never understood the fascination with the new year and turning over a new leaf.

According to 19 Mind-Blowing New Year’s Resolution Statistics (2023), “23% quit in the first week, and only 36% make it past the first month” and “9% successfully keep their New Year’s resolutions.”

I think people fail because the fad of setting New Year’s resolutions doesn’t mesh well with setting them when the time is right when you’re seriously ready to change. The website has some interesting ideas of its own for failed resolutions.

Since I can’t take the whole shebang seriously, I tend to offer sarcastic resolutions when places like Facebook ask what people have vowed to do or not do during the new year.

1. Tell wife number 2 that there’s a wife number 1.
2. Get in fewer bar fights.
3. Stop robbing little old ladies on dark streets.
4. Break out of the asylum when Nurse Ratched is drunk.
5. Stop referring people to old friends to Abby and Martha Brewster for understanding and companionship.

So there it is if I have to do it, the list of my resolutions for 2023. I have few plans of keeping them except, maybe, #2.

Wishing you much success in whatever you resolve,

–Malcolm

If you like wild and sarcastic plots, you’ll love Special Investigative Reporter.