Tag: lovers

Happy Valentine’s Day

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn love, writing

If you celebrate, or give Valentine’s Day, I hope it’s everything you hoped it would be whether you spend $10000000000000 at your favorite spa/hotel/restaurant or buy a cheap card for your significant other from CVS.

The holiday began as a pagan holiday (Lupercalia, a Roman Festival dedicated to fertility) like many of the year’s other celebrations. I’m okay with that. I often think the pagan folks of yore had the most realistic take on what love and life are all about.

I read an article somewhere today that said Americans are getting together, having sex, becoming parents and bothering with Valentine’s Day less than ever. If the U.S. fails, it will probably be because of such a low number of rolls in the hay we no longer have enough children to look after us when we’re old and grey.

And yet, I’n encouraged by the fact that fewer people are sending e-mails and text messages these days that lazily say, Happy VD. Excuse me, is VD something we want to celebrate?

After leaving a liberty port, navy ships used to have a VD line that snaked halfway through the boat to sick bay where a lot of people got a lot of penicillin. Fortunately, you don’t see those kinds of lines at CVS or the local urgent care “doc-in-a-box facilities” on February 15th and 16th.

I did notice at the grocery store this morning that a lot of people (not just guys) were buying flowers, cards, and Valentine’s Day balloons. That’s a good sign, ya think?

Of course, St. Valentine was a martyr. That alone should make us pause and ask whether love and all that stuff are worth the risks. I’m not sure. How about you?

—Malcolm

Man with multiple lovers gets screwed on Valentines Day shopping trip

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire6 Comments

Junction City, TX, Star-Gazer News Service, February 13, 2016–A local man trying to juggle gifts and cards for multiple lovers arrived at Lost Horizon Hospital & Mortuary near death here today after simultaneously confronting Bambi, Monique, Caroline, and a woman calling herself “The Dark Lady” on aisle three between the beef jerky and the pet treats.

Darcy
Darcy is currently indisposed.

When Dan Darcy, of 148 Bonnie Meadow Road, arrived at the emergency room during the hospital’s 12th “code black” of the year, doctors took one look at him and assumed he lost the race at Pamplona.

“How many hooves do all the bulls in Pamplona have?” asked Dr. Grey, rhetorically as she attempted to  intubate a mouth that turned out to have run into multiple fists.

Using sign language, Darcy said, “Watch out for The Dark Lady.”

“Everyone assumed he was hallucinating,” said attending physician “Bill Smith” who refused to give his real name due to “malpractice issues.”

“Screw The Dark Lady,” Smith reportedly added.

“Your place or mine?”

“Oops, no offense intended, m’am.”

According to first responders, the four women showed up at Walgreens where they shouted “hi lover” in unison before realizing they were a choir.

“Try as he might, he couldn’t preach to us once we caught him with a Valentines Day card for each of us. Inside, he scrawled ‘HAPPY VD’ in a hurry because he probably had to hurry home to his wife, AKA ‘Clueless in Abilene,'” said Bambi, speaking in secret after being assured her name would not be used in the newspaper.

Monique told reporters that “an honest philanderer would go to another town to buy gifts for his paramours so this kind of awkwardness doesn’t happen. I mean, golly, The Dark Lady is my mother. I always thought she was out delivering meals on wheels.”

Hospital spokesmen who were laughing too hard to keep their priorities straight, refused to confirm or deny that a woman that staff believed to be “Clueless in Abilene” begged the hospital to let Mr. Darcy go on to his great reward as soon as she filled out a fast-track DNR form.

“I just want my friends and family to know that I’m not the ‘Caroline’ they know but a different ‘Caroline’ from another planet or maybe from some God forsaken place such as Tulsa,” said Caroline.

Reportedly, my Darcy is resting in guarded condition beneath his wife’s thumb.

–Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter