Tag: Long and Happy Life

Just stop it!

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire
  1. Passed. When somebody dies, say they died. When you tell me they passed, I think they’re in the fast lane or they’re went past GO and collected $200. 
  2. Kick the Bucket: Yes, say this if you want, but nobody says this any more so if you say it people will look at you funny. Of course, if they’re already looking at you funny, then you’re on your own.
  3. Dirt Shower. This is gross. Just stop it.
  4. Lost her Battle: Hmmm. Needless to say, everyone loses their battle sooner or later, but if somebody fights as dread disease for a long time, they get special treament in the obituaries when they take a dirt shower. However, don’t say, “Dirt showers for $100, Alex.”
  5. They met an untimely end. This presumes there’s such a thing as a timely end. 
  6. Lived a long and happy life. Aw, isn’t this sweet? This is just another way of saying that being dead is okay because the guy/lady who kicked the bucket did a lot of good stuff, had fun, made money, had great sex, wrote twenty bestselling novels, &c. If you’re talking about a person who’s my age or younger, I don’t want to hear the long and happy life euphemism. Makes me think it’s time for me to do.
  7. Bite the Big One. The big what?
  8. Bought the Farm. Sometimes, people actually buy farms, so this leads to confusion. Just stop it!
  9. Number was up. I’ve always wondered where these numbers come from, like what is there a big lottery wheel or cosmic game of craps? The only good thing about this, is that if your number isn’t up, you can do any dangerous thing you want without worrying about biting the big one.
  10. Shuffled off the mortal coil. My goodness, are people still saying this who are (a) sane, (b) not perforning in a Shakespeare play, or (c) haven’t already passed? 
  11. Was called home. I hear this at funerals which is one reason I avoid the kind of funeral where somebody’s likely to say this. 
  12. Gave up the ghost. Look, this is pathetic and starts people talking about going to a conjure woman and getting protection against haints. Paint your door blue and old uncle Bill won’t haunt your ass.
  13. Got struck off the Chrismas letter list. Fortunately, fewer and fewer people are sending out Christmas letters these days and those who still do make the recipients wish the senders had been called home at the beginning of the year before they had time to do stuff to brag about in the letters. 

—Malcolm

 

What if all those younger than you are dead?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn leap of faith2 Comments

Once you get to my age, you notice obituaries for younger people who are said to have had a long and happy life. You also notice that people whom you worked with years ago–and would like to contact–are gone leaving, I guess, a séance as the only alternative since they no longer have e-mail or Facebook accounts.

As I research my novel in progress, I think of people who have the information I need–or, perhaps, the advice I need–and realize they’re long gone. My main character in Conjure Woman’s Cat claimed she was older than dirt. I am by no means ready to make such a claim.

So, where is everybody?

I find the loss of old colleagues and old friends more disturbing than the yearly lists of famous people who “were gone too soon.” Most of those people never returned my calls. Those who did are the ones I miss.

Basically, I think the people we love should never die. I guess that was one of the themes of the 1985 movie “Cocoon,” a film I happened to like. And the cast! (from Wikipedia): “Cocoon is a 1985 American science-fiction comedy-drama film directed by Ron Howard about a group of elderly people rejuvenated by aliens.[6][7] The film stars Don Ameche, Wilford Brimley, Hume Cronyn, Brian Dennehy, Jack Gilford, Steve Guttenberg, Maureen Stapleton, Jessica Tandy, Gwen Verdon, Herta Ware, Tahnee Welch, and Linda Harrison. The screenplay was written by Tom Benedek, from David Saperstein’s story.”

I suppose the film did well with those who liked the idea that they would never die. I happen to think that notion is true. But while we are separated from each other, it would be nice to have a cosmic e-mail service as a way for keeping up.

—Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of magical realism novels and short stories including “Conjure Woman’s Cat.”