Catty Definitions

    Catacomb – Grooming implement used to remove prospective fur balls from the exterior of a cat before they find their way inside the cat where they become yucky prior to being left on the rug while important guests are over for dinner.
    Catafalque – Actor Peter Falk’s pet.
    Catalog – Any unattended pencil left on any unattended surface in a room with one or more unattended cats.
    Catalyst – Position of a cat just before it tips over.
    Catamaran – A maran chicken running from your cat.
    Cat and Fiddle – Gossiping while playing the violin.
    Catastrophe – Any dead animal left on the doorstep by your cat which you are expected to bring inside and proudly display with the other wonders in the trophy case.
    Catapult – Means by which the cat got the remainder of a dangling piece of thread out of the sewing basket.
    Catbird – Your canary inside your cat.
    Catboat – Any vessel free of rats and canaries.
    Cat box – Sport involving one or more mail cats, often in an alley.
    Cat-call – Any of various silly sounds cat owners make while trying (usually in vain) to coax their cats back inside.
    Categorize – Method through which your cat sorts the contents just spilled out of a purse.
    Catgut – Processing area for Cat o’mountains.
    Cathode – Poem written by a lisping cat.
    Catnip – Love bite from your pet.
    Cat-ice – The round things that glow in the dark when tabby is near.
    Cat o’mountain – What you find in the litter box if you forget to clean it out for a couple of weeks.
    Cat o’ nine tails – Tom cat with his harem.
    Catsup – Ketchup thrown up by a cat.
    Cat’s Cradle – What unattended thread or string turns into while the cats are playing with it.
    Cat’s Pajamas – Any shawl or lap blanket draped over a human in a living room chair, usually during a TV show on a cold night.
    Cat’s Paw – Tabby’s daddy.
    Catwalk – Shortest possible route between the food bowl and the litter box.

–Author of the satire Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire, Malcolm R. Campbell lives in a house with four cats.

Another Novel Makes the Rounds

I knew when I completed GARDEN OF HEAVEN in March, 2008, that a 240,000-word novel by a relative unknown would be a hard sell. Nonetheless, I will continue trying to sell it.

However, I’m turning my immediate attention on a 60,000-word novel called JOCK STEWART AND THE MISSING SEA OF FIRE that began making the rounds this week. Those of you who have chanced by my Morning Satirical News weblog have already met the main character: he bills himself as a hard-boiled reporter for the Junction City Star-Gazer of the kind seen in Hollywood’s noir movies of the 1940s and 1950s.

Whereas “Morning Satirical News” takes a gallows-humor look at real issues, the novel finds Jock–and some of the recurring fictional characters from the blog–trying to track down who stole the Mayor’s prized racehorse Sea of Fire and who killed the Star-Gazer publisher’s prized girl friend Bambi Hill.

I’m classifying the book as humor. Now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that a prospective publisher also thinks it’s funny.