2020: Get out before midnight or else

There once was a year named 2020
That conspired to plague us aplenty,
Whenever we thought the bad times were said and done,
We were told, “the worst has just begun.”

I’m sure something good happened during the year. Okay, two of us at Thomas-Jacob Publishing released new novels. And we had some good meals even though we had to cook them ourselves. There was some good stuff on TV such as “The Queen’s Gambit.”

But all in all, from questionable police shootings to rioters/looters upstaging protesters to COVID cases/deaths, the news was bad. It got a little better when several COVID vaccines (one not yet available in the U.S.) were announced.

Too many people died, though, and the Feds are sending vaccine doses to Congressmen/women and/or criminals before attending to the nursing home population and the elderly. I cringe whenever I see the announced death of an “old” person who’s my age, followed by the usual hoo-haw, “Well, they had a full life.”

And then there were those with critical illnesses who were denied treatment because people with COVID–usually not life-threatening or even obvious–had first dibs on hospital beds. Triage sort of got forgotten.

Yet, as cynical as I usually sound, I think we can beat the damages of 2020 (for those who are still living) and get on top of all that ails us. We will cure and protect more people. We will stop pointless police shootings. We will acknowledge that Black lives matter. We will start protecting our environment again after rolling back protections that took decades to get approved. We will get people working again and our stores open once more.

So, I feel sane enough to wish you a happy new year that brings you the best dreams you can imagine.

Malcolm

FEDs retire ‘2020’ from use on future calendars

Washington, D. C., December 30, 2020, Star-Gazer News Service The U. S. Calendar Control Commission announced here this morning that it has banned the year 2020 from usage on future calendars.

Commission Chairperson Julian Gregorian explained to reporters that bad years are retired in the same manner that the names of bad hurricanes are retired.

“Eighty-two hurricane names have been retired,” Gregorian said. “You’ll never see another Carol, Donna, Hugo, or Katrina because those storms were so badass that we’re too superstitious to use their names again.”

According to CCC scientists, if Pope Georgory XIII had deigned to use Tarot Cards in 1582 when he introduced our current calendar system, he would have omitted years that were designated as controlled by demons, and the world would have avoided multiple plagues, wars, and bad luck.

“There never would have been a 1918 influenza outbreak, a 1941 Pearl Harbor attack, no 9/11 attacks, and no 20202 COVID-19 pandemic,” Gregory said.

A CCC backgrounder for reporters explained that even if the United States implemented a new calendar system, today’s action guarantees that ill years will never appear on it.

Calendar expert, Joseph Lunisolar told reporters that bad times could also be avoided by employing government astrologers.

“Until that happens,” he said, “we’ll continue to pay the price for thumbing our noses at the fates.”

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Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter