Sarah Palin Saves Local Bookstore Owner’s Butt

from Morning Satirical News:

Junction City, November 25, 2009–Brisk sales of Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue are saving the Main Street Book Emporium from the scrap heap of local businesses that go belly up after Walmart comes to town.

Jim Exlibrius, founder and owner of the 20-year-old bookstore conveniently located kitty corner across a busy intersection from the Krispy Kreme, told employees this morning that his butt and their jobs are safe through April Fool’s Day because Palin’s bestselling book is flying off the shelves “like bats in a tornado.”

“I almost lost my shirt after my window display for Audrey Niffenegger’s spooky “Her Fearful Symmetry” scared away all my customers,” said Exlibris. “Now, I’m making money like a blind water salesman in the Sahara Desert because every woman in this town has always wanted to ‘go rogue’ and ever man in this town has wanted to know a woman who ‘went rogue.'”

According to informed sources at publisher HarperCollins, the Main Street Book Emporium has sold up to 25% of the 2.5 million copies of Going Rogue now in print. Exlibris told reporters that he expects Junction City readers will force HarperCollins to make a tenth trip back to the printer to keep up with demand.

“I not only asked Sarah to come to my store for a book signing so huge that it will make J. K. Rowling look like a wannabee, I urged her (Sarah) to stay here as my wife,” said Exlibris. “How can a man not love a woman who writes, ‘With the gray Talkeetna Mountains in the distance and the first light covering of snow about to descend on Pioneer Peak, I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with splashes of the last frontier.'”

Police reports show that since Going Rogue was released earlier this month, more fights have broken out at the Main Street Book Emporium than Mona’s Biker Bar, Hot Balls Miniature Golf Magic Lane, and Ghost-of-a-Chance Cemetery combined.

“If we didn’t have a continuous presence at Krispy Kreme,” said Chief Kruller, “people would have been killed or worse at that bookstore. Jim just can’t keep enough Sarah on the shelf to satisfy everyone.”

Sources at city hall indicated that if Palin comes to town to do a reading and signing, Mayor Clark Trail is prepared to give her the key to the city as soon as he can find it (the key).

“He thinks it was in his gone-fishing trousers and must have ended up at the bottom of Miller’s Pond after last year’s incident with that school of rogue crappies,” councilman Calvin Knox said.

The Albino County Literary Club and Pecan Pie Society complains that its winter discussion schedule has been “more tangled than kite string in a Charlie Brown tree” because members sent to Exlibris’ store to buy one thing keep coming out with a sack full of Rogues.

“Just a couple of days ago, I sent them there to buy Jeff Shaara’s new new book No Less Than Victory, and they came out with Going Rogue, proving, I guess, that winning isn’t everything,” said society president Marianne Stemple.

Exlibris confessed to Star-Gazer editors that reporter Jock Stewart is the only man in town who refuses to buy Palin’s book, and “who the hell is more rogue than he is?”

Stewart reportedly maintains that when Palin buys his book, he’ll buy her book and even try out a halibut taco, a reindeer sausage and other delights from the land of the midnight sun Exlibris is giving away free with every copy of Going Rogue through the Black Friday weekend.


Copyright (c) Malcolm R. Campbell, author of Jock Stewart and the Missing sea of Fire where you’ll find Jim Exlibris, Chief Kruller, Councilman Knox, Mayor Clark Trail and–of course–Jock Stewart are all going rogue.

2 thoughts on “Sarah Palin Saves Local Bookstore Owner’s Butt

    1. The halibut taco is real Alaska as opposed to credibility gap Alaska. Still no word from Palin’s people that she’s bought Jock’s book, so he’s still not heading out to buy her book.

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