Tag: spam

“Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, spammers?”

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn hoodoo, magic2 Comments

As many of you know, I take a dim view of spammers because they show up and do their business here without taking part in the conversation or sharing my posts on Twitter or Facebook. Just imagine yourself having a dinner table conversation with your family about the best books you’ve ever read when somebody you don’t know walks into your house, sits down at the table, eats a plate full of mashed potatoes and gravy, and says, “So, y’all want a way to get some cheap condoms?”

That’s a spammer for you.

Spin the wheel of fortune when you leave spam on my posts
Spin the wheel of fortune when you leave spam on my posts – Wikipedia Photo

I appreciate the fact that WordPress weeds out most of the people who try to stop by our blogs to steal all the gravy. But, there’s more work to be done.

With that in mind, I’ve installed my Anti-Spammer Hex App that tracks down those who show up on this blog and on my “Sun Singer’s Travels” blog and try to sell us stuff that has nothing to do with my posts–and worse yet–don’t pay for advertising on my site.

While working on Conjure Woman’s Cat and Eulalie and Washerwoman, I took a lot of notes about spells, magic, candles, plants and especially protection hexes. If you ever hired a hoodoo practitioner, you might have been handed a mojo bag filled with the ingredients of the “law keep away” spell. (It does just what you think it does.)

Well, I’ve modified the “law keep away” spell with extra graveyard dirt obtained from cemeteries that cater to sociopaths and have merged that into the traditional mix while burning a black candle during the new moon as a squinch owl shouted curses from a longleaf pine tree. The resulting formula has undergone rigorous testing at a town near you or maybe even in your neighborhood. If there have been any recent outbreaks of green apple quick step, lice, or mysteriously appearing vulgar tattoos, a spammer or two just wasn’t lucky.

The luck comes into the mix through a random number generator subroutine I added to my assembly language code. This gives spammers a 1 in 100 chance of getting away with leaving a free message here on my blog without being hexed. See, I can be a good sport about this even though the odds favor the house.

So, if you’ve stopped by with a spam message, just ask yourself. . .well, you know what.

—Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell’s two hoodoo novels can be found at Amazon in paperback and e-book editions. The audio edition of “Conjure Woman’s Cat” received an Earphones Award Winner at AudioFile Magazine.

An Immodest Proposal

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Malcolm R. Campbell5 Comments

The SPAM I Grew Up With
During the three years I’ve had this blog, I’ve made 415 posts, received 1,527 real comments and watched the Akismet filter trash 22,014 attempted SPAM comments. Without a doubt, none of the trashed comments were about the Hormel product I grew up with.

I’ll stipulate that I feel a slight–but fleeting–sense of embarrassment having to report that spammers have been busier trying to add their thoughts to the flow of words on Malcolm’s Round Table than I have.

And they’re bolder. I post something about Glacier, a spammer says, “Hi Dude, this reminds me of a place to get cheap Viagra.” I post something about one of my books, and here comes a long spam message about an automotive training school in London.

Most of these comments don’t see the light of day, thanks to Akismet.

I know this might sound like bribery, but I have a proposal, one that may sound a bit vain and immodest. When I see virtual SPAM, I ask “what’s in it for me?” That is, why should I provide free Internet space to somebody I don’t know who sells Viagra for a living?

But there could be something in it for me. For each spammer who buys a copy of one of my books (you have three to choose from), I will make a deal with Akismet to let you tell the world about your Viagra, downstream Internet marketing system, or your teliseminar about weight loss in the comments section here.

Simply buy a book, read it, enjoy it (or else) and post a glowing review on Amazon that proves you really know what the book’s about, and then send me your SPAM. You help me, I help you.

Send me a comment with your real name, picture, home address, Amazon account number and tell me what you think.

Otherwise, I much prefer the SPAM I grew up with.

—Malcolm

Experience the magic of Robert Adams' Quest

What are spammers like in real life?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writing6 Comments

Suppose you’re at a backyard barbecue. Everyone’s having a good time enjoying the food, the beer, and the afternoon.

Your good friend, Bob, comes over to tell you about his trip to Yellowstone. Turns out, he had a great time except for the fact that while he and his wife were there, they started wondering if they’d left the coffee pot on.

As the two of you talk about Yellowstone, a guy neither of you really knows stands there with a Pabst listening. As soon as Bob mentions the nagging coffee pot worry, this guy blurts out: I OWN A COFFEE POT STORE.

While that’s a little awkward, you turn to him and say, “great,” to which he responds that modern coffee pots automatically shut off after two hours and maybe y’all could come down and look at them after the barbecue.

Even with today’s lower standards about what’s rude and what’s not rude, I’m guessing that most people at the barbecue are not there to be badgered to death by sales talk.

But that’s what SPAM is when we see such behavior on line. Sometimes I wonder if spammers are as rude in real life as they are in the blogging world. But then I think, well, spammers aren’t real people. Maybe they are bots that go out and find a key word in a post and then dump complete gibberish into a comment field as though that’s going to help sales.

Sometimes I’m amused by what I find in the SPAM filter. If I mention Glacier Park on this blog, there’s probably going to be a comment caught in the SPAM filter that links back to a site selling tours, gear, or something randomly connected with glaciers and parks.

Though it’s all so blatantly obvious, it must generate sales or it wouldn’t be happening. Logically, it would seem that more sales would result from comments that actually have something to do with the post like, “Jim and I have gone to Glacier for 20 years in a row, and we’ve never see a bear do what that grizzly did on the Hi-Line Trail.” And then you see its posted by JIM&JOES TOURS.

Heck, I’d probably go and take a look at what they offered. Maybe they want my business just as much as the guy at the barbecue who owns a coffee pot store. But with me, they’re more likely to see me on their site or in their store because they know what’s polite and what’s not.

I’m thinking of addressing all of this in my prospective SPAMMING FOR IDIOTS book. It will be so lighthearted, you can even read it around the camp fire at Glacier or Yellowstone.

See how casual that was. I didn’t hit you over the head with it!

Malcolm