You Can’t Get to Heaven…

Old and New Verses for an Old  Song:

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven in Donald Trump’s car
‘Cause the damned old thing ain’t going that far.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven on roller skates
‘Cause you roll right past those pearly gates.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven with Pelosi’s new grammar
‘Cause the Lord don’t allow those who stutter and stammer.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven from the electric chair
‘Cause the Lord don’t allow no fried meat there.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven with VP Mike Pence
‘Cause he’s stuck sitting on a picket fence.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven in a limousine
‘Cause the Lord ain’t got no gasoline.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven reading fake news
‘Cause the Lord don’t allow no phony views.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven on a Honda bike
‘Cause you’ll get halfway, then you’ll have to hike.

Oh, you can get to Heaven with the Capitol Police
‘Cause they can’t even keep the peace.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven in dirty jeans
‘Cause heaven’s got no washing machines.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven from the Senate floor
‘Cause Mitch McConnell never opens the door.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven with powder and paint
‘Cause it makes you look like what you ain’t.

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven from Alex Trebek’s chair
‘Cause Mr. Trebek, he’s already there (eternal rest for $500 Alex).

And that’s the end, St. Peter said
As he closed the gates and went to bed.