This is the season when UPS, FedEx, and USPS litter the front porch with packages and my e-mail inbox with notes that say “your shipment has arrived.” But sometimes the shipper is wrong and there’s no package there:
SHIPPER: (Not FedEx) Your package from WALMART arrived today.
ME: No it didn’t.
SHIPPER: Really? Did you check the outhouse?
ME: We don’t have an outhouse.
SHIPPER: Where do you do your business?
ME: The bathroom.
SHIPPER: Wow, we didn’t figure a redneck county like yours had indoor plumbing.,
ME: So where’s my package?
SHIPPER: Frankly, we rather hoped you’d forgotten about it by now. We think varmints ran off with it.
SHIPPER: Yes, lions, tigers, and bears, oh my.
ME: I live in Georgia, not the jungle.
SHIPPER: So that “Georgia of the Jungle” song isn’t about you?
SHIPPER: Well, bugger.
Malcolm R. Campbell sometimes put his satire in a novel.