Tag: green apple quick step

They can’t cure what I got

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn writing4 Comments

I know that sounds like the opening line of a love song where the loved one is a dangerous thing. But alas, that’s not the case.

What I got, is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Everyone seems to agree that the bowels are irritated one way or another, but opinions are mixed about what causes it and what (if anything) gets rid of it.

The Mayo Clinic says, “Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common disorder that affects the stomach and intestines, also called the gastrointestinal tract. Symptoms include cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, diarrhea, constipation, or both. IBS is a chronic condition that you’ll need to manage long term.”

I’m trying to discover what my “trigger foods” are in case that makes any difference in this ailment I’ve been fighting since June. A lot of the foods I like are on the don’t go there list. I’m drinking a glass one red wine right now. It’s on the might be good/might be bad list.

I can’t have cow’s milk or yogurt, apples, asparagus, wheat, broccoli, soy products, or sweeteners. I can have Lactaid, blueberries, hard cheeses such as feta, cantaloupe, potatoes, and lettuce. So, win some, lose some.

I’m looking at a diet called FODMAP, i.e., “What is FODMAP? FODMAP stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides, and polyols, which are short-chain carbohydrates (sugars) that the small intestine absorbs poorly.”

According to Johns Hopkins,

“Low FODMAP is a three-step elimination diet:

  1. First, you stop eating certain foods (high FODMAP foods).
  2. Next, you slowly reintroduce them to see which ones are troublesome.
  3. Once you identify the foods that cause symptoms, you can avoid or limit them while enjoying everything else worry-free.”

My first thought is, that seems really tedious. But I have no choice. I’m testing red wine today.

A lot of people have IBS. Many don’t know it. Those who do know can find information at the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins sites, among others.  FODMAP diet information can be found here.

Now I’ve got the Gordon Lightfoot song “For Loving Me” stuck inside my head. I’m sure it’s about cauliflower and snow peas. I ate them with wild abandon, unmindful of the consequences.

–Malcolm

“Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, spammers?”

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn hoodoo, magic2 Comments

As many of you know, I take a dim view of spammers because they show up and do their business here without taking part in the conversation or sharing my posts on Twitter or Facebook. Just imagine yourself having a dinner table conversation with your family about the best books you’ve ever read when somebody you don’t know walks into your house, sits down at the table, eats a plate full of mashed potatoes and gravy, and says, “So, y’all want a way to get some cheap condoms?”

That’s a spammer for you.

Spin the wheel of fortune when you leave spam on my posts
Spin the wheel of fortune when you leave spam on my posts – Wikipedia Photo

I appreciate the fact that WordPress weeds out most of the people who try to stop by our blogs to steal all the gravy. But, there’s more work to be done.

With that in mind, I’ve installed my Anti-Spammer Hex App that tracks down those who show up on this blog and on my “Sun Singer’s Travels” blog and try to sell us stuff that has nothing to do with my posts–and worse yet–don’t pay for advertising on my site.

While working on Conjure Woman’s Cat and Eulalie and Washerwoman, I took a lot of notes about spells, magic, candles, plants and especially protection hexes. If you ever hired a hoodoo practitioner, you might have been handed a mojo bag filled with the ingredients of the “law keep away” spell. (It does just what you think it does.)

Well, I’ve modified the “law keep away” spell with extra graveyard dirt obtained from cemeteries that cater to sociopaths and have merged that into the traditional mix while burning a black candle during the new moon as a squinch owl shouted curses from a longleaf pine tree. The resulting formula has undergone rigorous testing at a town near you or maybe even in your neighborhood. If there have been any recent outbreaks of green apple quick step, lice, or mysteriously appearing vulgar tattoos, a spammer or two just wasn’t lucky.

The luck comes into the mix through a random number generator subroutine I added to my assembly language code. This gives spammers a 1 in 100 chance of getting away with leaving a free message here on my blog without being hexed. See, I can be a good sport about this even though the odds favor the house.

So, if you’ve stopped by with a spam message, just ask yourself. . .well, you know what.

—Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell’s two hoodoo novels can be found at Amazon in paperback and e-book editions. The audio edition of “Conjure Woman’s Cat” received an Earphones Award Winner at AudioFile Magazine.