Feds install ‘Fever Canon’ on White House roof

Washington, D. C., February 24, 2022, Star-Gazer News Service–The Federal Government has borrowed a Civil War era canon from the Smithsonian and installed if on the White House roof as part of the new multi-part protocol for ending the pandemic.

Based on theories that circulated during Yellow Fever epidemics that posited that the fever was caused by a miasma in the air, the canon will fire hourly during the nighttime hours (from the twilight’s last gleaming to the dawn’s early light) to disrupt the dangerous miasma and render it inert.

According to informed sources, the Alternate Center for Disease Control ACDC) hadn’t thought about using a fever canon until a janitor read the January 21 edition of the Malcolm’s Round Table blog which mentioned thge use of such canons.

Presidential aide Sue Smith said in this morning’s news conference that the Washington Monument will be closed until further notice due to damages caused by canon balls.

“We just assumed the canon had to be loaded,” she said. “After destroying a section of the monument and taking out several tourist buses, we were informed that the sound of the canon was enough to put a dent in the miasma throughout the city.”

Smith also acknowledged that the President has moved to an undiscloed location, probably the Day’s Inn at 4400 Connecticut Avenue, since the canon made sleep inpossible.

The ACDC is recommending that fever canons be installed in all major cities until the pandemic “cries uncle.” While some experts have suggested burning tar in barrels on major street corners to further disperse the miasma, their ideas have been dimissed as “pretty damn stupid.”

Smith cautioned that fever canons have not been approved for home use though Second Amendment scholars believe every American has a right to a front yard canon.


Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter


How will people 50 years from now view our approach to COVID?

My favorite Bette Davis movie is “Jezebel” made in 1938. It’s a love story set in New Orleans during one of the city’s horrible yellow fever epidemics.

The movie is set in a time when people thought yellow fever was caused by “miasma” in the air. To disrupt this miasma, people burnt tar in barrels and fired off a fever canon.

Even now there is no cure for yellow fever, though there is a vaccine that helps prevent it but doesn’t seem to impact people who already have it.

I’ve thought of this fever canon approach during the COVID epidemic because the whole miasma idea showed a lack of knowledge about diseases and how they were spread. Yellow fever is spread by mosqitoes.

The movie shows the fear the populace had of yellow fever, of those who got it, of how to combat it, and the need to isolate the victims. While we’re a bit more civilized now, we still have many of the same fears and we’ve been addressing them in multiple ways across the country.

As I think about that fever canon on the movie, I wonder which of our approaches is similar to that: i.e., totally wrong headed and ineffective. Perhaps one day we’ll know the answer to that. Or perhaps, as some say, we’ll never get rid of COVID altogether but will learn how to prevent most of it and treat it more effectively.

I think we’d all feel better about our chances of success if our approach nationally was more cohesive. As it is, mandates and mask ideas and vaccine notions come and go weekly. Those of us who were around during the polio epidemic saw some of the same kinds of fears and confusion until the Salk and Sabin vaccines became available.

I’m a cynic, so I can’t help but wonder which of the things we’re doing is really just a fever canon. I do think I’m more hopeful about a COVID solution than the residents of New Orleans were about yellow fever in 1905. Time will tell–perhaps.


Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of fantasy and magical realism novels and short stories. To learn more, click here