Tag: e-mail

E-mail in basket: what a minefield

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn InternetLeave a comment

Sometimes I see e-mails from people I know, family even. Sometimes there are e-mails from newsletters I subscribe to or vendors from whom I’ve ordered products. Occasionally, I receive e-mails with headers like “Are you the Malcolm R. Campbell who wrote Carl Jung and Alchemy.” I’ve never gotten one of those messages about anything I did write.

The rest is swill.

Download Logo Email Address Free Clipart HQ HQ PNG Image | FreePNGImgLately, there have been several e-mails a day with the word CONFIRMATION in the header. Most of these come from companies I’ve never heard of. Sometimes the title even says what the sender wants me to confirm, like: “CONFIRMATION: Brothels of the World Tour.” I never open any of these.

Then there are the e-mails that try to shame you for not opening previous e-mails, usually newsletters I’ve subscribed to. Often there’s a code of some sort hidden within a photo that tells the newsletter people whether I’ve opened their e-mails of late. When that happens, it means that I’ve subscribed to too many newsletters and have been skipping some of them.

There’s also this sort of thing: “Malcolm, 25 years ago you gave money to our save the whales’ foundation but you haven’t done jack shit since then. . . WTF” I don’t answer these even if the outfit is working for a good cause. One can go broke donating $10 here and $20 there.

Occasionally–and this happens on Facebook, too–I get a message that says, “Hi, I’m Melanie, a single mother with three children who has needs for male companionship. Write me back if you’re interested.” Obviously, I delete these, though I wonder how many of the senders know I’m old enough to be their grandfather.

I’ve been online since the AOL, CompuServe, and MySpace days. I think I’ve seen it all. If I haven’t, don’t tell me about it.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of the comedy/satire Special Investigative Reporter. Check it out (if you dare).

Advertisement

SPAM remains alive and intrusive during Pandemic

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Pandemic2 Comments

Bloggers love visits and comments but are often discouraged when they see that some of those come from spammers.

At least the spammers aren’t here in my den and, insofar as I know, their messages don’t transmit COVID-19 even though some of them promise that they can provide the most accurate information on the planet about the pandemic. I see those people as just another example of folks with no qualifications who are disputing the statements being made by people with medical/research qualifications. Plus, they want me to pay for their opinions. I think not.

Fortunately, WordPress screens all that out and puts it in a special trash bin where I can glance at it to make sure it’s SPAM. 99.99% of the time, it has no value. So, gentle reader–as Dorothy Parker used to say in her columns–I screen all the schlock to you don’t have to see it and then figure out how to un-see it.

Basically, I think the Feds should round up all the spammers and put them in asylums where they will learn the errors of their ways or, if they can’t/won’t, are kept confined to they don’t harm innocent people.

Every once in awhile their comments are funny (or at least slightly creative):

  • Receive one hundred rolls of high-quality, gently used toilet paper per month in unmarked packages for less than the cost of a dinner for five at Antoine’s in New Orleans or a new Maserati (Levante). Not responsible for shipping delays.
  • Stay ahead of the Pandemic info by subscribing to our COVID newsletter which collects all the half-truths and spurious ideas together in one place, making it easy for you to compare right and wrong in the daily news.
  • Our six-foot poles made from oak will make it easy for you to maintain proper social distancing at grocery stores, pharmacies, and take-out lines at restaurants. No longer will you have to believe the drunk standing next to you who thinks four feet is okay. Our poles can be used as lances should the need arise. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve spared you from everything beneath the surface. I’m sure you’re all grateful.

–Malcolm

“Widely Scattered Ghosts” is currently free on Smashwords.

 

The Internet is Drugs

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Life12 Comments

As I sit here in the sunny kitchen of my father-in-law’s farmhouse, I’m going through withdrawal because the Internet does not exist here. On a typical morning, I would have checked e-mail (pot), looked at several news screens (cocaine) and read everything in my Facebook (meth) news feed.

My Facebook status would be a no-brainer: blitzed, spaced out, and higher than the summit of Mount Everest. I recall those old, fried-egg-in-a-skillet public service announcements: This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?

Ever addictive, the Internet provides 24/7 instant gratification. Everything is now and now we can trip out anywhere we want from the illusions of You Tube right now to the mirages of web cams. On celestial days, the endless supply of self-evident platitudes on Twitter (hash) empowers us. On tense days, we can discuss causes on Linked-In (ether) or play free-base flame wars in the comments sections of news pages and friends’ profile pages and hope the experience doesn’t turn into the bad trip of being unfriended or banned.

Here on the farm, life is also now, but it’s a slower, less ubiquitous now. I cannot move at light speed from the kitchen table to the creek. There’s no creek icon on the window. While I can randomly hear the sounds of birds and horses and tractors, they are farther away than MP3 files and have no volume controls. Time was, contentment was easy to find in a farm or old forest because when I arrived at such places, my perception synchronized itself with the rhythms of the real world.

Today, the worlds of beach, river and mountain top begin as cold-turkey experiences away from the lovable and addictive noise of radios, televisions, cell phones and WiFi. Real-world taste, touch, hearing, seeing, smell and intuition have become dulled from lack of use. I can’t wrinkle my nose and download a new sight program nor stick out my tongue and update my tastes.

Daily, it takes more and more effort to see and hear the real world, especially the more subtle voices of trees and snakes and flowers. In fact, when I’m high on Facebook, I have my doubts about the existence of pastures outside my father-in-law’s sunny kitchen, much less the cries of gulls along the gulf coast or the songs of wolves in the Montana high country. The Internet will give me a semblance of all that. Truth be told, that semblance is faster and cheaper than walking out my front door and driving six hours south to Alligator Point, Florida, much less three days north by northwest to East Glacier, Montana on the edge of the shining mountains.

If the Internet existed here on the farm, I could experience, semblance-wise, the mountains and the sea right here, right now. I do see flowers blooming in the garden out past the kitchen sink. I remember once knowing what they were and what they smelled like but, without the Internet, I can’t “touch” the flowers’ images and see alt-text tags with that instant information.

The real world has become difficult to navigate and harder to imagine. I’ll be okay when I get back home and smoke a little e-mail and do a little Facebook. I’ll be fine because my brain will once again become part of the Internet and I won’t have any questions.

— Malcolm