Tag: e-books

‘Jock Talks – The Collection’ Gobsmacks Readers

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire

Everett, WA, May 29, 2011 (Star-Gazer News Service)–Vanilla Heart Publishing is seriously gobsmacked to announce that invesitigative reporter Jock Stewart might not be a real person.

Stewart, whose Jock Talks – The Collection was released by Vanilla Heart today, used an autopen to tell reporters that he’s just as real as Betty Crocker and Cap’n Crunch.

“Jock Talks – The Collection is, first of all, a collection,” the autopen said. “For only 3.99, readers who want to be seriously gobsmacked and/or laugh their butts off will find 117 pages of satire, parody and other lies from four stunning e-books:”

  • Jock Talks… Satirical News
  • Jock Talks… Politics
  • Jock Talks… Strange People
  • Jock Talks… Outlandish Happenings

A Few Choice Excerpts

Washington, D.C.—The U.S. Capitol building will be dismantled by the end of the day to clear the way for an Almighty Dollar Big Box Store, the Manifest Destiny Development Corporation (MDDC) announced this morning.

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“I blame news editors for the dumbing down of America,” said DDAS president Mary Worth. “Today, while the Libyan Civil war rages on, the two biggest stories are ―UNEXPECTED PAIR SENT HOME ON DANCING WITH THE STARS and PIA TOSCANO SENT HOME FROM AMERICAN IDOL.'”

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Junction City, TX—Last night, I dreamt I’d fallen on hard times and had once again been forced to take a job as Britney Spears’ cook.

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Dubbed the Shit to Shinola Highway, Interstate 666 rips through Junction City‘s primeval forest where the wind stings the toes and bites the nose.

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Daytona Beach, FL―The latest racket in the death business is the sale of skyscraper crypts for those who want to advertise how high they climbed before they died.

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Greg, Jim, Dixie and Sweetie Pie of Junction City’s Cry of the Raven Memorial Gardens are among the 72,000 dead Americans who received stimulus checks of $250 each from the Social Security Administration (SSA) as part of a massive economic recovery package intended to stimulate a dying economy.

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“I may be butt ugly, but the rest of me is pure goddess.”

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At a press conference at high noon today, Vanilla Heart Publishing’s Satire Editor Bill Smith (not his real name) said he used the word gobsmacked after hearing Chef Gordon Ramsay use the expression a thousand times on Fox Broadcasting’s “Kitchen Nightmares.”

“Gordon also screams, IT’S RAW, IT’S RAW,” said Smith, “but the phrase seemed totally inappropriate for a collection of satire.”

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—Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of the “Jock Talks” series of satirical e-books and the novel “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire.”

Three ‘Jock Talks’ Satires Published

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire2 Comments

Vanilla Heart Publishing has released three Jock Talks satire collections available in multiple e-book formats.

Written by Malcolm R. Campbell (Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire, 2009) Jock Talks Outlandish Happenings, Jock Talks Politics, and Jock Talks Strange People are jam-packed with the best and the wildest post from his Morning Satirical News weblog.

The e-books are available on Kindle for 99 cents each. They are also available in multiple formats, including PDF, at Smashwords at 99 cents.

Except from Jock Talks Strange People

Readers Looking for ‘The Lust Symbol’ Ravish Bookstore

Angry, and apparently horny, shoppers tore apart the Main Street Book Emporium at high noon today looking for a book purportedly called The Lust Symbol.

Owner Jim Exlibris, who accidentally promoted a one-hour half price sale for Dan Brown’s new novel The Lost Symbol with a 48-point Century Gothic “‘LUST SYMBOL’ REDUCED FOR HARD-UP READERS” headline, said that he could only blame himself for the misunderstanding.

“I just a country bookseller, not a advertising specialist or a bloody proofreader,” said Exlibris.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, so many people in heat at the same time. They ran through my shop like bulls from Pamplona trying to find The Lust Symbol. They tripped over a life-size cardboard cutout of Dan Brown next to my display for The Lost Symbol without even noticing it.”

Police, who were enjoying lunch-time doughnuts across the intersection at the Krispy Kreme are being criticized for failing to respond to the bookstore riot.

“We presumed the whole thing was just customers having fun,” Chief Kruller. “Sure, we thought there might be porn involved, but the FEDs handle all of Junction City’s porn.

Witnesses report that Exlibris escaped from the mob, ran across the street, threw a copy of The Lost Symbol against the side of Sergeant Wayne Bismarck’s head, and screamed “arrest somebody, dammit, they claim I’m hiding all my lust from them.”

“Nobody’s ever thrown the book at me before,” Bismarck said.
According to local bookmakers who serve as police consultants, Exlibris “has a lot of priors” when it comes to misleading advertising. Main Street Book Emporium entries in the police database include advertisements for books called Bone With the Wind, Jane Error, The Hell Seekers, For Whom the Belle Rolls and the Handmaid’s Tail.

Friends of the Library board members Hilda Meek and Anna Van Landingham, who were in the store to pick up a box of books Exlibris was donating to the lost readers program, said under interrogation they believed the purported “lust for lost” misprint was a publicity stunt.

“We make proofreading mistakes at the Public Library all the time,” said Meek. “Last year when we promoted a ‘fun at the pubic library ball,’ we feigned embarrassment and everyone ended up having a bang-up time.”

Police warned Exlibris to improve his proofreading skills or else.

Digital Books – Saying Goodbye to Paper

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn books6 Comments


As a junior high school student delivering the Florida Times-Union to customers throughout my neighborhood, it never occurred to me that one day we’d say goodbye to newspapers. But we are, sadly and surely doing just that.

Soon, I suppose, hardback and paperback books will become as rare as papyrus scrolls and possibly just as hard to find.

I grew up on 35 cents-per-gallon gasoline, telegrams, party line telephones, cars you could fix yourselves without hooking them up to computers, and real books. Real books were more than words on paper: they were the paper itself and the type selection and the binding.

Digital books have no binding or paper–it’s all just pixels on a screen–and the tactile sensations of paper choice and weight and type font are going, going, almost gone with the wind.

I resist this, of course, as I must, while simultaneously seeing little point in fighting it. I see the value in it, too, and hope that accessibility and ease of purchase will make up for what we are losing in the transition from paper to screen.

You will have a chance to “pick-up” a few e-books between March 7 and March 13 at a bargain, for this is Read and E-Book Week. My personal preference is books made out of paper; I’ll admit, though, to having a few e-books on my computer. As for Kindle, no, I’m not ready for that, or for reading books on my phone, for Pete’s sake. But sometimes price and convenience trump everything else.

I wonder if anyone employs newspaper boys any more. I suppose I could Google that and find out some day when I’m feeling nostalgic for news left on my driveway by a kid riding a bike. Kids still ride bikes, don’t they?

You can find “The Sun Singer” and other Vanilla Heart Publishing books at Smashwords, a sponsor of Read and E-Book Week.