Tag: cataract surgery

I got potpourri, so it must be Sunday

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Potpourri
  • If you like the artist Edward Hopper as much as I do, you might enjoy this article in The Guardian about an upcoming documentary film, “Artist of ‘loneliness’ Edward Hopper depended on his wife, says film-maker.” “Hopper: An American Love Story” will be in theaters on October 18th. According to the article, “Hopper himself relished solitude, preferring a hermit-like existence – albeit with his wife, Josephine Nivison Hopper, also an artist – to social gatherings. The volatile relationship between the laconic Ed and the spirited but resentful Jo is at the heart of a new documentary film made by the British director Phil Grabsky, opening in cinemas this month.”
  • If you subscribe to the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, you’ll find the concept running front and center through Matt Haig’s novel The Midnight Library which I’ve been re-reading this week. Imagine that, instead of dying, you end up in a library with an infinite number of books about your probable lives. These books will lead you to samples of other lives you could be living, mainly when you give up the regrets you’ve accumulated in your current life. Interesting premise for a novel. I think there’s a bit of a flaw in the library’s system, but pointing it out here might be a bit of a spoiler. Read. and hope for the best.
  • My wife is now in that limbo period between her cataract surgery (on Wednesday) and the time when the eye has healed up enough for her to get a new prescription. Right now, she has a plain glass lens in her glasses since her previous prescription wouldn’t work with her “new eye.” She says her vision is much better out of that eye even though seeing things clearly has a bit of weirdness to it. I know what she means since I went through all this several years ago.
  • As a pacifist, I really shouldn’t say this, but I think the world would be a whole lot safer if Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin met with an unfortunate “accident.” Maybe Abby and Martha, the aunts in “Arsenic and Old Lace” can invite him over for spiked “elderberry wine.”

–Malcolm

Used eagle eyes available for cataract surgery

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn satire6 Comments

Rome, Ga, August 22, 2016, Star-Gazer News Service–When author Malcolm R. Campbell scheduled cataract surgery this week for his left eye, he learned that he will be the first man in his town to receive a used golden eagle eye instead of an artificial lens (called an intraocular lens, or IOL).

Wikipedia photo
Wikipedia photo

Ophthalmologists report that eagles have five times the number of light receptor cells in their eyes as humans, so it was “just a matter of time” before humans were offered a chance to upgrade.

“So far, the service is only available for those undergoing cataract surgery,” said Waterfall Jones, head of the Eagle Eye Research Center of the Department of the Interior. “In time, all humans will be given the option of receiving eagle eyes at birth if not sooner.”

Campbell, who is a long-time member of such groups as the Sierra Club and the National Wildlife Federation expressed reservations about the used golden eagle eyes due to the fuzzy nature of the “used” concept.

“It’s not like golden eagles upgrade their own eyes and offer their older eyes at a used eye lot for resale,” Campbell said. “However, I learned that the eyes come only from golden eagles with organ donor cards.”

“Eagle whisperers working in the national parks have had a continuous dialogue with the birds for fifty years, finally winning their trust along with signed consent forms for the donation of eyes,” said Jones.

According to spokesmen who have elected to remain anonymous to avoid bad publicity claim that Campbell will not only be able to see a reader turning the pages of a book from a mile away, he will also be able to fine tune his books into best sellers, especially in areas frequented by golden eagles.

“Within a few years, we’ll be able to create golden eagle eyes in the laboratory,” Jones said. “This will create an unlimited supply even though the eyes will be hideously expensive and will not be covered by Medicare or private insurance. People will have to ask themselves just how much it’s worth to be able to say ‘On a clear day I can see forever.'”

“I won’t have the night vision of an owl,” said Campbell, “but then I can buy lamps and flashlights at Home Depot and owls can’t.”

Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

 

No, doc, I don’t want Bette Davis eyes

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Life, writing4 Comments

A year ago, my optometrist said, “you’re going to need to do something about the cataract in your right eye.”

Thinking he meant, a waterfall, I said I hadn’t been dripping water, tears-wise or otherwise.

eyeHe informed me that I was going to have trouble seeing within the year.

Noticing that I was driving blind more often than not, I went to an eye doctor a week ago and he said, “Holy crap, man, you’re still looking at the world with eyes made during World War II when factories slapped out millions of eyes per second without a lot of paperwork for the war effort.”

He surfed out to Wikipedia where he gets most of his medical information and showed me an eye diagram. “When you were born, we didn’t know about half this stuff, so your eyes not only aren’t compatible with Windows 10, you’re missing a lot of the world’s important developments such as texting and more nudity.”

He got out a catalogue published by the American Academy of Ophthalmology called “Fabulous Eyes.” It contained a list of the replacement eyes available for those of us about to undergo cataract surgery.

bettedavis“There’s been a run on Bernie Sanders eyes lately, and that means a waiting list. Since you’re a writer, maybe you’ll want something exotic like Bette Davis eyes.”

“I remember the song,” I said.

“According to the song, with these eyes you’ll either know how to make a ‘crow blush’ or a ‘pro blush’ depending on which recorded version of the song you like.”

I informed him that Bette Davis’ eyes were older than the ones I was currently using and probably had fewer working parts.

As it turns out, there are more eyes out there than you can poke out while running with scissors. Since they (the eyes) are purportedly windows of the soul, I didn’t want to make a flippant choice. Truth be told, I’ve gotten used to the way I’ve always seen things even though I’m seeing less other them.

In “My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut,” Toba Beta wrote,  “Eyes shows lies.” That ruled out a lot of eye models, especially those from celebrities, political candidates and serial killers.

Muir-Einstein-Newman Eyes, Model
Muir-Einstein-Newman Eyes, Model “MENJ38-25774.”

Finally, it appeared that I was best suited for a combination eye, one with the attributes of John Muir, Albert Einstein and a dash of Paul Newman. “Eyes don’t make you smart,” the doc cautioned, saying that I shouldn’t expect to be rich and famous with rich and famous eyes looking out at the world.

“With the MENJ38-25774 eyes, you might go into the salad dressing business or be able to shoot a good game of pool.”

“More likely,” I said, seeing through my glasses darkly, “I’ll turn into Brick Pollitt and say, ‘I’m ashamed, Big Daddy. That’s why I’m a drunk. When I’m drunk, I can stand myself.'”

“That can happen,” he said. “My assistant here thinks she’s Helen of Troy and wants go go into the ship launching business.”

Frankly, I thought his assistant looked more like Bette Davis.

–Malcolm

New Jock front CVR full sizeMalcolm R. Campbell is the author of “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire,” a satire similar to this post in that it has characters who are likely to say anything (and often do).