Junction City, May 29, 2009–When Moe Anderson walked into the Main Street Book Emporium at high noon yesterday with a SIG SAUER P238 pistol in his pocket and robbery in his heart, he expected to leave with all the money in the cash drawer.
Jim Exlibris, owner of Main Street Book Emporium, believes dead hearing-aid batteries and author Susanna Clarke saved him a lot of money.
“I was waiting on a customer at the main register during the lunch hour when a man came in shouting, ‘wash up, wash up,'” said Exlibris. “The guy pointed to a bulge in the front of his trousers and held up his hands, so I assumed he needed our restroom at the back of the store.”
According to Maud Lukins, who was purchasing a hard cover copy of of Susanna Clarke’s Jonathan Starnge and Mr. Norrell for her grandson Arnie’s 15th birthday, the book store owner was obviously “deaf as a post” even though he was wearing two, $3,500 hearing aids from a name brand company.
“That rude, scrawny little guy who burst in and interrupted my purchase wasn’t happy to see me at all,” said Lukins. “He really did have a gun in his pocket and was saying ‘hands up.’ Even though I felt utterly discounted, I had the presence of mind to scream and that got Jim’s attention.”
Exlibris told police, who responded from the doughnut shop after the emergency was over, that Anderson became frustrated by the lack of personal attention and attempted to pull the gun out of his pocket, but it got stuck and went off.
“The thing made a horrible noise and I thought we were about to be dead,” said Lukins. “That’s when Jim picked up Arnie’s beautiful birthday book and threw it against Anderson’s head. Anderson was knocked out cold.”
Chief Kruller said Anderson didn’t hurt anyone because he was “shooting blanks.” Known to police across Texas as the bookstore bandit, Anderson’s “success” is purportedly based on intimidation rather than violence.
“If my hearing aid batteries had been working, I would have understood the guy, handed him a wad of money and then over charged old lady Lukins and the rest of my loyal customers to offset the negative cash flow,” Exlibris said. “Praise the Lord for Ms. Clarke’s 326,729 words and her 2.9-pound novel.”
Police ballistic experts claim that had Exlibris tried to subdue Anderson with a light-weight Silhouette romance, the bandit would still be at large.
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Coming soon, from Vanilla Heart Publishing: “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire,” a novel by Malcolm R. Campbell.
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