atomic clock – Malcolm's Round Table

Washington, D.C., January 1, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service

While TV viewers watching last night’s New Year’s Eve celebration in Times Square weren’t allowed to see it, at the stroke of midnight, the world cycled back to January 1, 2023. Officials urged people to stay calm while the software of the Atomic Clock was checked for evidence of hackers.

According to Time Tsar James Maxwell, “Clock time is independent of historical events. It would be premature at this point to speculate on whether or not we will relive the events of 2023 or if we will experience something new.”

**Atomic Clock HQ**James Clerk Maxwell, “Clock time is independent of historical events. It would be premature at this point to speculate on whether or not we will relive the events of 2023 or if we will experience new events with year-old dates.”

According to informed sources, the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service (IERS) that mandates when “leap seconds” are added to the official time to synchronize the earth’s rotation with with the official time, 20234 is a leap year. However, that does not mean IERS is considering adding an entire year to the clock to bring time up to what everyday people think the world’s date and time should be.

“That would be unprecedented,” said Maxwell.

Observers at IERS and the Atomic Clock HQ are closely monitoring events and are “happy to report that so far the world is not seeing a replay of the opening days of 2023.”

Joe Smith, the janitor at HQ said, that Wikipedia is correct when it reports that, “In 1968, the duration of the second was defined to be 9192631770 vibrations of the unperturbed ground-state hyperfine transition frequency of the caesium-133 atom. Prior to that, it was defined by there being 31556925.9747 seconds in the tropical year 1900. The 1968 definition was updated in 2019 to reflect the new definitions of the ampere, kelvin, kilogram, and mole decided upon at the 2019 redefinition of the International System of Units. Timekeeping researchers are currently working on developing an even more stable atomic reference for the second, with a plan to find a more precise definition of the second as atomic clocks improve based on optical clocks or the Rydberg constant around 2030.”

“Most kids learn this math in grade school,” said Smith, “so they can keep track of time on their cell phones all of which stubbornly maintain this is 2023 all over again.”

According to Sue Campbell, head of the National Institute of Standards and Technology, people are encouraged to report deja view experiences that suggest events from 2023 are repeating themselves. “Until we sort this out, many of us will be experiencing the movie ‘Groundhog Day.'”

“Audiences enjoyed watching the movie,” said Maxwell, “so we believe folks will have fun with the strange things happening in the world of time while officials work to discover just when this moment is.”

At the crack of dawn, Congress passed legislation that mandates that all states and U.S. territories will consider the year to be 2024, prohibiting jurisdictions from “rolling their own” about the current date and time.

“Thank goodness there’s no precedent for this,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, “for that would mean time has been off track for years.”

“No worries,” said President Biden, “since quantum scientists say that time is not real.”

Story Filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Washington, D. C., January 1, 2017 (hacked time), Star-Gazer News Service – After the National Security Information discovered that Kim Jong-un ordered the Supreme Hacking Department of North Korea’s administration to hack into and disrupt the Unites State’s atomic clock, President Obama had a new problem:

To be puctual, or not to be punctual, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the land to suffer skewed time
With it’s Slings and Arrows of undestined misfortune,
Or to take Arms against a malware sea of code,
And by opposing, obliterate it, to say we now awake
To end the Heart-Ache of sleep in our hexed abode
And hope the replacement era suits us better for goodness’ sake.

**North Korean hacked time at the fictional present moment.**

According to 98.6% of the federal government’s panel of scientists, most Americans believe today is January 1, 2017 because the North Korean malware introduced a stream of malicious leap seconds into the heart of the atomic clock so that ever since the dog days of August, time has moved “faster than theoretically possible.”

“Among other things,” said Temporal Control Officer (TPO) Erwin Schrödinger, “birds and bees are ‘doing it’ more often than usual, work days are longer and weekends are shorter, and most of what’s happened in the last four months never happened.”

Press secretary James “Jay” Carney said that the administration has decided to “let the temporal cat out of the temporal box” and “take arms against the malware sea of code.”

According to Schrödinger, most Americans will suffer no ill effects from an over-night reprogramming of their brains via software contributed by Microsoft.

“While you sleep, perchance to dream,” said Carney, “your brain will be taken back to August 11th and will be re-set so as to allow the entire nation to move ahead in harmony with time as the good Lord has defined it, ordered it, and calculated it. Most people will suffer no ill effects and will wake up tomorrow as though nothing has happened. Quite frankly, nothing has happened since the lethargic and indolent dog days, so for most people it will be business as usual even though a few people may have to reboot their sex lives and other coping mechanisms several times to get back on track.”

Concerned about the ethics of violating Star Trek’s temporal prime directive and voiding four months of seemingly real activity, the administration erred on the side of caution by taking no action in spite of the fact it was informed of the hack while it was happening. Some government philosophers said that if we got a “do over,” the same things would happen because they were destined to happen. Others said that “tweaks in the updates’ reprogramming code would keep people from doing the wrong things they did and the result would be a better world.

The decision was finally made when Obama asked if reprogramming the clock and the brains of the populace would bring back Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher.

“We told him it would,” said Schrödinger, “even though everything that may have happened since August 11th is neither true nor not true until we reprogram ourselves the new truth is set free–or isn’t.”

“Make it so,” the President said.

–

–Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

Malcolm's Round Table

Tag: atomic clock

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