We live in uncertain times. Interesting times, some would say. According to a little-known Second Amendment footnote, fire ants constitute a well-regulated militia.
With that in mind, we have increased the weaponization of our fire ants to ensure they are providing “enhanced protection” for our 2006 Buick, the quintessential American car brand. The utilization of military-grade fire ants comes with responsibilities that we don’t take lightly.
We are required by law to place a protected by fire ants sign in our yard and a similar bumper sticker notification on our Buick. We are also required to upgrade our enhanced fire ants license every year; that includes an examination based on the information in our FIRE ANT MANUAL DOD-1322-FA.
Included in the features of our new fire ants are facial recognition software with night vision capability, video recording of all perpetrators who threaten the Buick, and industrial-strength love for my wife and me. While the ants care deeply about friends and family, please don’t leave any untended children in our yard, especially those who might be considered a threat to the Buick.
Our enhanced fire ants are on duty 24/7, giving us the peace of mind that comes from living in a secure environment.
Malcolm R. Campbell occasionally writes satire.
Malcolm's Round Table 
Fire ants would do it. I had one — just one! — find it’s way inside my pant leg, and it bit me so many times I thought I was burning up.
In “real life,” I’m not a fan of fire ants because we’re always stepping on their ant hills that are hidden away in tall grass, One is more than enough,