What’s love got to do with it?
When it comes to most sex, apparently nothing.
Rape and other forms of abuse are crimes of hate and have nothing to do with consensual recreational sex, much less love.
Now that James Toback’s and Harvey Weinstein’s names have become nearly synonymous with physical and verbal sexual harassment, people are asking how this has happened.
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There’s no need to ask. Most men were brought up to believe that the purpose of women is sex, free or for pay. I’ll stipulate that in many families–such as mine–young men were taught that sex is appropriate only when it’s a component of love and marriage: the times have changed about that as, to varying extents, both men and woman believe consensual sex is simply recreation–like, say, bowling or jogging or tennis.
As for men’s belief that the purpose of women is sex. that has not changed. I heard that on the playground and the middle school and high school locker rooms during P.E. class fifty years ago, and knew it was the basic attitude of varsity and junior varsity high school and college teams. Certainly, I heard this view in the military.
What I did not hear was talk of rape. Culturally, men were encouraged to develop excessive masculine traits, including being and acting as macho as possible, focus on rugged sports like wrestling/boxing and football rather than baseball and tennis, going hunting for sport rather than any need for food, to generally avoid courses/hobbies/activities relating to liberal arts, to approach everything in life with an over-the-top (and often mindless) pack mentality bravado, and to seek out “the kind of woman” who enjoyed consensual sex.
Now society is asking why any man would have an entitlement attitude about sex and women as sex objects. The answer isn’t new: Men are brought up to believe this. While women are not at fault for this–other than the pretense that it’s okay for their husbands to bring up their sons with this mindset–they have contributed to the women as sex objects mindset by wearing more and more provocative clothing. However, this clothing does not justify rape. It does cloud the issue.
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Women have asked for the right to do what men have always done: wear what they want, walk alone where they want, and generally to feel safe and be safe wherever they are. While I was not brought up to see such rights as provocative behavior, men in general have been trained/brainwashed to believe that a woman alone was “an opportunity.”
So now, as I read in the news, many men in Hollywood don’t know what to say about Toback, Weinstein and others. If they admit they were aware of non-consensual sex, groping, and verbal abuse/innuendo, they are asked why they didn’t protest this behavior. If they claim they didn’t know it was happening, they’re assumed to be naive or to be lying.
I don’t feel their pain. I have no sympathy for them. Even though men have been (and are still being) brought up to see woman as sex objects, we were also brought up to see rape and other physical/verbal abuse as crimes. Yes, there have been numerous examples of groups of men becoming silent to shield a member who is accused of rape. Yet, rape is a crime and men know that it is. Hollywood has been complicit for years. In many ways, we all have been complicit because even the best of men know how men have been brought up and I have a strong feeling that very few of us stood up in a locker room and said “you guys are assholes” when teammates said “we’re gonna get drunk and find some free pussy tonight.”
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, “one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives. In eight out of ten cases of rape, the victim knew the victim knew the person who sexually assaulted them.” No wonder most women can say “Me, too” whether it’s rape, groping, or verbal abuse/harassment.
Who is doing this? The male animal we have all created and nurtured.
–Malcolm
Two of Campbell’s novels, “Sarabande” and “Conjure Woman’s Cat” focus on rape, the first from the victim’s viewpoint and the second from a relative’s viewpoint.
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I read an article last week that outlined all the ways in which society reinforces the idea that “no means yes.” It was really interesting. Should have all been obvious, but seeing the points outlined all in one place really drove it home.
I’ve been seeing similar articles. They do make strong points that aren’t new but that gain traction when seen in lists of points/reasons.
I think simple biology plays a role in both men and women and the desire/need for sex, but that and the wonderful human/spiritual connectedness it offers get lost too frequently when sex gets tangled up in lesser human endeavors. The stories that have been making the news and others like them that happen involving everyday people are horrible in the obvious ways, but they are also sad in the way they perpetrate a view of sex as something dirty or shameful, rather than what it should be and really is. This gift of sacred connectedness between two people is cheapened every time someone uses sex as a weapon or a scare tactic.
That men have been raised to believe they have the upper hand in matters of sexual matters mirrors, I believe, the overall way men were raised to believe they held the power in pretty much all situations. And for a very long time, that was true.
Decent men certainly didn’t and don’t use sex as a way to control women or to “show ’em who’s boss,” but there has historically been (and it still exists, to some degree) the expectation that men are to try for sex at every opportunity and women, if they are “nice,” are to refuse unless the sex is with a spouse or loving, committed partner. There is no “slut-shaming” aimed at men.
I also think we need to be clear that MOST men are decent and that abusers are the exceptions, rather than the rule. Most men want love, connectedness, and sex that is returned with enthusiasm and I believe most understand that forming a genuine partnership is the way to have that. Not everyone gets it right, but I believe most of us understand the truth of it, and have a burning desire for exactly that, and if we’re wise, we appreciate it if we are among the fortunate and find it.
I have what I believe is a healthy attitude about sex. I raised my children (my daughters and my son) to respect themselves, which I think is a solid base for a happy life, in matters of sexuality as well as in all areas. I held no expectations that my kids should wait until marriage (I did not and don’t regret that) or that there was one right age at which they’d magically be ready. But we talked about sex, and not just the biology. We talked about love and respect (for themselves and any potential partners). We talked about responsibility and consequences. And then I stepped back and respected their choices.
That hasn’t insulated them from outside attitudes about sex and power, but I do think it has made a difference. It helped my son to be able to be true to himself and not to be at the mercy of locker room mentality. And while I couldn’t control what sorts of men my daughters might encounter, it helped them to understand and own their own sexuality without guilt, and to separate themselves from the actions and choices of others.
I don’t know a single woman past the age of puberty who hasn’t been sexually harassed and/or assaulted. Most of us have multiple stories. Most of us have learned to live in ways that are self-protective and these habits are so much a part of who we are that we don’t even notice them as being odd or unfortunate. They simply are. “Me too” applies to every woman I know.
The stories we’re hearing, often decades after the events, are healing for all of us. We, as women, are exhaling a collective breath we didn’t even realize we’d been holding. I have stories. My sisters and friends have them, as do my daughters. My hope is that if we strive to raise our sons and daughters to be respectful of themselves and others and to view sex as the wonderful gift that it is, my granddaughters will not.
Gee, can you tell I feel strongly about this? 😀
Well said. It’s easy to forget within today’s culture (the good or the bad of it) that sex is a sacred connection. Hopefully there will be a day when “Me, too” no longer is relevant.