Ottawa, January 5, 2010–As a result of a terrorist incident on Northwest Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, Transport Canada has decided to ban persons, individuals, people, creatures and living things of all kinds to provide for the well-being of air travel and all of those enjoying air services thereof.
“The total lunacy of our approach will prove itself in the long term,” said Transport Minister Baird Johnson. “We began by banning books and other dangerous objects. That was a first step. Further testing has indicated–as an American might say–books don’t kill people, people kill people.”
According to informed sources, the inconvenience of the new regulations will be offset by the benefits. Experts say that once people are removed from the equation, air travel will become so safe that when a plane occasionally falls out of the sky, nobody will be there to hear it, rendering the moment soundless.
U.S. officials are considering shutting down the Transportation Security Administration, a cost savings that many believe will completely erase the national debt.
Security Tsar Jim Bob Smith noted, with a gleam in his one eye and a spring in his step, that “planes are now going to be flying on time, every time without the needless security delays we’ve tolerated for the past nine years.”
“Après la pluie le beau temps,” Johnson added, using an old proverb to succinctly say that knives will soon be banned from kitchens, fire from the hearths, and cars from the roads in an attempt to make life so safe, it will no longer be worth living.”
Air travelers who first heard of the new regulations approached security check points on both sides of the US/Canadian border with their mouths agape, whereupon they were taken away for their threatening show of teeth.
From the Morning Satirical News