Today’s guest is, at best, infamous.

Reporter: Just who the hell do you think you are?

Me: The Shadow.

Reporter: So you’re the guy who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Me: Right.

Reporter: Now that we’ve established your creds, let’s get down to what my readers want to know. When did you first decide o be a writer?

Me. God, that is so lame.

Reporter: Sorry, I’m not God, but I pretend to be when writing hardboiled, ass-kicking copy for the local mullet wrapper.  According to my notes, my readers want to know if you are a plotter or a pantser.

Me: I put my trousers on two legs at a time.

Reporter: How do you do that?

Me: I jump off the bed.

Reporter: That’s better than telling me I’d asked another lame question.

Me: It was lame, but I think you knew that already. Look, nobody reads interviews like this unless the subject is Tina Turner (may she rest in peace) or maybe John Grisham.  Then, the research staff comes up with better questions.

Reporter:  So, where do you get your ideas?

Me: When I’m rolling on the river.

Reporter: I’ve never heard that phrase before.

Me: You were born yesterday.

Reporter: At high noon.

Me: Figures.

Reporter: Look, I have a deadline coming up and that bastard editor of mine is going to want a scoop, maybe two scoops if you like raisin bran.

Me: Plastics.

Reporter: I’ve never heard that before.

Me: Good, then you’ll get an above-the-fold headline with this story. And seriously, if you need the true facts for your story, I knew I was going to be a writer in a past life and I never plot anything I write unless it’s a lie.

Reporter: Off the record, is there any evil in my heart?

Me: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit!

–Malcolm