Okay, people, I know that the Neptune Society is a reputable organization founded in 1973 to take the fear out of cremation. But seriously, if and when I need their help, I’ll call them. I didn’t really need to find a link to a free creamation planning guide in my inbasket. (I think the guide was free, not the cremation.)

Sure, it’s like writing a will. Smart people take care of it when they’re twenty years old so that if they kick the bucket, everything’s taken care of. Look how happy the people in this graphic are. But seriously, I’m not ready to be that happy, so I’m considering e-mails about this guide to be SPAM. Quality SPAM, perhaps, but TMI for now.

I’ve graciously added a link to this graphic to that if you want to “Create Peace of Mind by Planning your Cremation in Advance,” you can take the necessary steps before it’s too late.

In general, I consider cremation a good idea, but think it works best for people who have died (aka “passed”). I don’t believe assisted cremation is legal in most states except, perhaps, despair and maybe Florida.

When I find out who sent my name to the Neptune Society, I’m going to send his or her name to the funeral home in their town so they can have peace of mind and maybe even 50% off on a mahogany casket with WiFi and a bell you can ring if they’re buried before they’re ready.

Those of us who remember seeing “Diamonds are Forever” (1971) still have nightmares from the scene in which James Bond is stuffed in a casketed headed for the cremation facilities. So, getting an e-mail for this planning guide creates unusual and unwanted PTSD episodes along with dreams about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. (That’s not a rock group.)

Sure, I know the good die young. That’s why I’ve done my best not to be good.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of the satircal novel “Special Investigative Reporter.”