Feds shoot down child’s helium balloon at state fair

Junction City, Texas, February 12, 2023, Star-Gazer News Service–A squadron of F-22 Raptors used twenty AIM-9X Sidewinder missiles to bring down an errant blue helium balloon that slipped through the fingertips of twelve-year-old Jack Daniels who had just won the balloon at the state fair’s shooting gallery.

The balloon was bobbing and turning on wind gusts that had carried it to an estimated altitude of some 500 feet which, according to an Air Force spokesperson posed a threat to drones flown by local hobbyists.

No drones were damaged during the encounter nor was there any damage on the ground other than the farm equipment tent where leading manufacturers had an estimated $700,000 worth of tractors, combines, ploughs, and harrows on display.

At press time, there was conflicting testimony about whether or not any of the missiles carried nuclear payloads. Several witnesses who may or may not have been sober insisted that there was a mushroom cloud above the space where the Ferris wheel once stood.

According to General Bat Masterson, “We have an open order from our superiors in Washington, D.C to shoot down anything without a valid transponder signal or registration number, or is simply acting weird.”

Spokesmen were quick to point out that those who were killed on the Ferris wheel, if any, were heroes.

The balloon, which was recovered by Texas Rangers, is being analyzed for anything that might matter.

According to pollsters, those attending the fair “enjoyed the show.”

Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter