The state with the lunatic fringe on top?

AZ CLAIMS PREGNANCY OCCURS BEFORE CONCEPTION

by Jock Stewart

Phoenix, Arizona, August 28, 2012–An anti-abortion law created close enough to this year’s April Fools Day to qualify as absurd, took effect this month in a state where the powers that be have taken another baby step toward the goal of nationalizing women’s bodies.

The oddly titled Women’s Health and Safety Act states that pregnancy now begins two weeks prior to conception depending on the current phase of the moon and what, if anything, the woman was smoking. Women who listen to music by “such people” as Madonna and Lady Gaga are deemed to be pregnant at all times.

According to sources close to the governor’s office, the law is aimed at those who are still promoting “new age clap trap” about sex, drugs, rock and roll, and the Our Bodies Ourselves philosophy.

The sponsors of the bill stated in a white paper called Honey, here’s the way it’s goin’ to be that many of the law’s precedents can be found in the Book of Deuteronomy, the transcripts of the Salem Witchcraft Trials and in records from Inquisitio Haereticae Pravitatis.

Jonathan Corwin, director of the Arizona Devil’s Magic and Pregnancy Task Force, told reporters that, “our great state believes that what God enriches, no man make take away. The female body is a natural resource that will, in the near future, be placed under state control for the benefit of our children and our children’s children as yet unborn. Those with views slanted the wrong way belong in places like California and Oregon.”

According to Planned Parenthood, the law reduces the time period within which women in Arizona may obtain a legal abortion.

Admitting that policing “the matter” may be somewhat difficult, law enforcement jurisdictions—with the help of federal funding—will soon be certifying neighborhood watch groups, vagrants, burglars and others “who are in a position to know” as Devil’s Magic and Pregnancy Officers who, in technical terms, will keep lists of who’s been “doing it and when.”

“We don’t mind if you do it,” said Corwin. “But just remember, in the State of Arizona, real or imagined pregnancy has no UNDO key.”

Jock Stewart is the alter ego of Malcolm R. Campbell, author of the satirical novel “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire.”

Piping Sewage into the Holy Land

from Women’s Earth Alliance:

Support the protection of a Northern Arizona holy mountain
Northern Arizona ski resort Arizona Snowbowl has begun the construction of a 14.8 mile pipeline that will trasnport up to 180 million gallons of treated sewage water from the City of Flagstaff to the ski area, for artificial snowmaking.Not only will the  proposed 10 million gallon wastewater pool harm the environment and public health (the treated sewage water has been proven to contain contaminants), but  it will destroy land that is holy to more than 13 Indigenous Nations.
The peaks are their place of worship, where deities reside, and where they go to collect medicine and herbs. Klee Benally, who was arrested on Saturday August 13 for disorderly conduct and trespassing, explains: “How can I be ‘trespassing’ on this site that is so sacred to me?  This is my church.  It is the Forest Service and Snowbowl who are violating human rights and religious freedom by desecrating this holy Mountain.” (Click on the link for the story “Direction Action To Save Holy Peaks Continues” in Indigenous Action Media.)

With just a few minutes, you can take meaningful action to protect the Peaks.  Call the USDA, which oversees the Forest Service, and let them know you support the preservation of this sacred mountain.

Take Action:

  1. TODAY: take 5 minutes to call Tom Vilsack of the U.S. Department of Agriculture to urge the USDA to place an administrative hold on all development  of the SF Peaks. Phone: (202) 720-3632
  2. Contact Flagstaff City Officials and urge them to respect the environment, Indigenous culture, and protect public health by finding a way out of their
    contract to sell Snowbowl wastewater.  Phone: (928) 779-7699 Email: council@flagstaffaz.gov

This is the kind of post that I expect to see in “The Onion” or some other satirical newspaper or website. Unfortunately, this is one of those times we can get a bushel of industrial strength absurdity straight out of real life.

Malcolm