by Jock Stewart
Phoenix, Arizona, August 28, 2012–An anti-abortion law created close enough to this year’s April Fools Day to qualify as absurd, took effect this month in a state where the powers that be have taken another baby step toward the goal of nationalizing women’s bodies.
The oddly titled Women’s Health and Safety Act states that pregnancy now begins two weeks prior to conception depending on the current phase of the moon and what, if anything, the woman was smoking. Women who listen to music by “such people” as Madonna and Lady Gaga are deemed to be pregnant at all times.
According to sources close to the governor’s office, the law is aimed at those who are still promoting “new age clap trap” about sex, drugs, rock and roll, and the Our Bodies Ourselves philosophy.
The sponsors of the bill stated in a white paper called Honey, here’s the way it’s goin’ to be that many of the law’s precedents can be found in the Book of Deuteronomy, the transcripts of the Salem Witchcraft Trials and in records from Inquisitio Haereticae Pravitatis.
Jonathan Corwin, director of the Arizona Devil’s Magic and Pregnancy Task Force, told reporters that, “our great state believes that what God enriches, no man make take away. The female body is a natural resource that will, in the near future, be placed under state control for the benefit of our children and our children’s children as yet unborn. Those with views slanted the wrong way belong in places like California and Oregon.”
According to Planned Parenthood, the law reduces the time period within which women in Arizona may obtain a legal abortion.
Admitting that policing “the matter” may be somewhat difficult, law enforcement jurisdictions—with the help of federal funding—will soon be certifying neighborhood watch groups, vagrants, burglars and others “who are in a position to know” as Devil’s Magic and Pregnancy Officers who, in technical terms, will keep lists of who’s been “doing it and when.”
“We don’t mind if you do it,” said Corwin. “But just remember, in the State of Arizona, real or imagined pregnancy has no UNDO key.”
Jock Stewart is the alter ego of Malcolm R. Campbell, author of the satirical novel “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire.”