Category: Food

I have a new respect for those forced to be on gluten-free diets

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food, writing

I was initially skeptical of the rush by so many people to remove gluten from their diets.  On one hand, it’s part of a new diet fad. For another, going gluten-free makes meals more expensive while taking away nutrients required for a balanced diet.

But then when I was tested to see if I had Celiac disease as part of this many-month-long attempt by doctors to find out what was causing my apparent stomach infection, I was happy to see that I don’t have the disease. For one thing, there’s no cure except for getting rid of gluten. For another, if I had a Celiac problem and went on a gluten-free diet immediately, it might take a couple of years to feel the results.

Having to monitor my food for any trace of gluten–often from unexpected sources–would drive me nuts–like monitoring my diet for any trace of nuts. The people who have to keep either out of their diets have enough trouble with planning meals and looking at ingredients in processed foods, much less the miserable experience at a restaurant where servers often have no idea whether the “bad stuff” is in the food or not.

As I waited for the results of the test, I thought about all the consequences of having Celiac and turning into one of those people who has to look at everything they eat through a microscope. I’ve always been able to eat almost anything, so being about to eat a small portion of that anything would have been quite a chore.

Due to the workings of Murphy’s law, developing a pill to combat the negative impact of gluten for those who shouldn’t have it, the result would probably be something bad. Lactaid seems to work but if a product called Gluteaide came along, the side effects would probably be fatal–or worse.

I tried Lactaid (just in case) and nothing bad happened. Yet I always worry that there’s a catcher in the rye–in addition to the gluten.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of magical realism novels set in the Florida Panhandle.

Thunder and Lightning Salad

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn 9/11, Food, writing

Sara Bradley, who won the recent episode of  “Chopped” (a TV show competition on the food network) representing chefs from the south, served a Thunder and Lightning salad. This easy-to-make salad doesn’t have a Wikipedia entry, so I can’t show you a free-to-use photo. The judges liked it, and as they talked about it, I realized that it’s been years since I had it.

You can find recipes all over the Internet for it, most with variations from the original that, while fine for experimentation, aren’t the standard which includes several tomatoes, several cucumbers, one Bermuda onion, white vinegar (1/2 cup), and sugar (1/2 cup or a little less to taste).  I avoid recipes that include bell peppers since the pepper flavor permeates the whole shebang.  White wine, hot sauce, herbs, and Canola oil: forget it.

Traditionally, the vegetables are cut into large pieces. That is, the tomatoes are cut into wedges, and the cucumbers are peeled and cut into fat slices. The onions are sliced the way you would if you were putting them on a hamburger and cut in half. These are left large so people who don’t like raw onion can pick them out.

Mix up the vegetables and onion in a large bowl. Stir the vinegar and sugar together and then drizzle this over the salad and refrigerate overnight.

This salad goes well with minute steak, pork chops, and even barbecue–or whatever catches your fancy. I have no idea how Sara Bradley made this salad on “Chopped,” so I’ve tried to give you the most basic form. Some people swap Vidalia or other sweet onions for the Bermudas.

And, so sorry for the lack of a photo of the salad.

–Malcolm

Sometimes Chef Ramsay is Wrong

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food

I’d probably get thrown off his cooking shows by shouting back at him about some figurative flaw he perceives in my cooking.

  1. I do not think the default cooking time for steaks should be rare. Ramsay thinks it is. His guest chefs appearing as judges on shows like “Masterchef” also think rare is the only way to cook a steak. I can eat rare steak, but I don’t want to. Medium rare is my preferred choice.
  2. On one show, a chef from the South was cooking grits. Ramsay berated her for using water instead of stock. If that had been me, I would have said, “You’re damn right I’m using water because I don’t want my grits to have a chicken or beef stock flavor.” I live in the South. I eat grits a lot. Chef Ramsay comes from the U. K. where few people know how to cook, so he can keep his grits ideas to himself.
  3. Chef Ramsay hates dried herbs served raw. I love them. I prefer using herbs straight from our garden, and I admit that most of the herbs I use–whether fresh or dried–are cooked. And yet, I love raw dried herbs sprinkled on salads like salt and pepper.  Once Ramsay hit the ceiling when a cook topped off a dish with a leaf the size of a bay leaf. Hell, I don’t even do that. What struck me as funny was his warning that nobody likes dried herbs sprinkled on top of food. Ha!
  4. On one show, a pregnant woman ordered tuna and it arrived at her table raw. Ramsay went nuts, asking the chef how he could jeopardize a pregnant woman’s life by serving her raw fish. I would have agreed that the dish wasn’t what she expected, but would have added that pregnant women can eat sushi. So there was no health risk involved.
  5. Ramsay and other Food Network Chefs frequently claim a dish needs more salt. They’re probably right most of the time. I’d be kicked off these shows with the retort that there are saltshakers on restaurant tables for those who want to use more salt than dieticians recommend.
  6. I think my biggest complaint about many of the cooking shows is the chefs’ addiction to the blender. I have a blender. I can’t even remember the last time I used it. Chefs who are contestants on many shows think that a dish isn’t complete unless the primary item is placed on top of pureed something or other. Have these cooks been brainwashed? Why would anyone want a steak or pork chop served on top of pureed cauliflower? Or with a streak of pureed carrots filling up an empty part of the plate?

I’ll admit that I like rustic, earthy cooking. Even so, I think celebrity chefs often go too far out on the edge of nonsense.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of magical realism novels set in the Florida Panhandle of the 1950s.

I’m probably known as ‘paper bags except for the wine and two liter Coke’ in all the grocery stores in town.

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food

bad

I really don’t like bringing groceries home from the store in plastic bags–except for Coke and large bottles of wine which fall through paper bags–and the cashiers have gotten used to this. Goodness knows I’m probably not their most eccentric customer.

Of course, there are environmental reasons not to use plastic. In addition to that, if you put a cart full of groceries in the trunk in plastic bags, you’ll have a mess by the time you get home. So, I put my groceries in the back seat. The paper sacks stand up nicely on the seat and the plastic bags with the sparkling water, 1.5-liter wine bottles, and 2-liter Coke bottles fit in a containable pile on the floor.

When the checkout people see me coming, they reach under the counter for the paper bags. I seldom have to ask. At Publix, the checkers want to take the groceries out to the car because I look old and feeble. I skip that service because they want to put the stuff in the trunk where it will all fall over and get confused when I say I want the food on the back seat. It’s simply better not to have to explain it.

I saw an old couple (older than me) come out of the store this morning with plastic bags. They opened the trunk and, as it turned out, there were cartons in there that kept the grocery bags contained. Smart move. 

good

Many stores have reusable bags. Not too bad, though they don’t keep the groceries under control as well as paper. They tip over in the car no matter where I put them, spilling out everything. A genuine bad scene, as we used to say.

One thing about being old is this: people expect weird behavior, so I don’t get a lot of push-backs from clerks about why I want my groceries bagged up differently than 99% of their customers. Looking scary and eccentric has its benefits.

Plus, I’m pretty much deaf and know how to swear in Gàidhlig, as in “Falbh do dh’ifrinn airson a h-uile rud a tha fo chùram.”

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell’s novels are set in the Florida Panhandle when we didn’t have plastic bags but we had the KKK. My conjure woman can take care of them.

 

Sure, I eat collard greens

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food, writing6 Comments

“Collard greens are a staple vegetable in Southern U.S. cuisine. They are often prepared with other similar green leaf vegetables, such as spinach, kale, turnip greens, and mustard greens in the dish called “mixed greens”. Typically used in combination with collard greens are smoked and salted meats (ham hocks, smoked turkey drumsticks, smoked turkey necks, pork neckbones, fatback or other fatty meat), diced onions, vinegar, salt, and black pepper, white pepper, or crushed red pepper, and some cooks add a small amount of sugar. Traditionally, collards are eaten on New Year’s Day, along with black-eyed peas or field peas and cornbread, to ensure wealth in the coming year. Cornbread is used to soak up the “pot liquor”, a nutrient-rich collard broth. Collard greens may also be thinly sliced and fermented to make a collard sauerkraut that is often cooked with flat dumplings.” Wikipedia 

If you grow up in the South, sooner or later you’ taste collard greens. I love them, just as I also love spinach and mustard greens. My mother never cooked them because she grew up in the midwest and was familiar with midwestern foods. I always wanted to try new things and was the first (and only) person in the family to become addicted to boiled peanuts and stalks of sugar cane we chewed while walking down the street.

My wife who, unlike me, was born in the South, doesn’t like collard greens. So I buy mine at the store in cans. Dump the stuff out of a can, heat them on the stovetop, and they’re ready to eat. The same does for Hoppin John which, you guessed it, my wife doesn’t like either. It’s a nice mix of black-eyed peas, pork, and onions.

I like most Southern goods except for crawfish.

A lot of people make fun of Southern food, especially grits. I don’t understand that and figure most of the people making fun of grits have never shrimp and grits, a great low country dish. That goes well with a side of collards.

Plus, no matter what people say, the best fried chicken comes from the South.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of the Florida Folk Magic Series set in the Florida Panhandle of the 1950s.

Gumbo: do you know what it is?

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food

I’m a fan of cajun food, but will certainly eat creole food. I need somebody to make some proper gumbo and send it to my house ready to eat.

Here’s Wikipedia’s definition: “Gumbo (Louisiana Creole: Gombo) is a soup popular in the U.S. state of Louisiana, and is the official state cuisine.[1] Gumbo consists primarily of a strongly-flavored stock, meat or shellfish (or sometimes both), a thickener, and the Creole “holy trinity” ― celery, bell peppers, and onions. Gumbo is often categorized by the type of thickener used, whether okra or filé powder (dried and ground sassafras leaves)..”

I don’t approve of filé powder because it’s cheating and, after all, the okra IS the gumbo. Let’s face it, Northwest Georgia has very few Louisiana-style restaurants…not counting Popeye’s Chicken (which I like).

Unfortunately, nobody else in my family–including my brother and his wife in Orlando, my daughter and her family in Maryland, or my wife–likes cajun food.

Well then, no gumbo beneath the tree. Well then, maybe a vat of chili will do.

–Malcolm

Chef Wanted: Low Pay, Few Benefits Other Than Resume Material

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food8 Comments

Help Wanted: Personal Chef

Please supply references.

Personal chef and grocery shopper.

Prepare regular meals (including late-night snacks) and keep the pantry and fridge full.

Must not cook meals that look like those on Hell’s Kitchen, Master Chef, and Chopped.

No bloody rare steak.

No puree to decorate plate.

May be required to produce two dinners each night, standard Southern cooking for my wife and Seafood and Cajun dishes for me.

May need a pickup truck to haul beverages from the store to the house (sparkling water, bottled water, Coke, Wine, Scotch). The chef will be allowed two drinks per day but must supply his/her own mixers.

No accommodations other than an old chicken house.

Chefs who have worked at the sous chef level or higher at any or all of the following New Orleans restaurants will be given an automatic second interview: Brennans, Antoine’s, and Galatoires. Experience at the Biltmore Estate Restaurant in Asheville, NC is also desirable.

Chef will be terminated immediately if any dinner looks like it came from IHOP  or Golden Corral.

We eat off of TV trays while watching TV. Try to adapt to that.

Training at a top-of-the-line culinary school is a must.

We do not want to see any meals that originated in the home-economics tradition of the 1940s and 1950s.

Note: We measure the levels of alcohol in all bottles nightly.

No girlfriends or boyfriends allowed.

Easy work, we think, in a farm environment in NW Georgia. Your resume may include the fact that you were the personal chef of the author of the Florida Folk Magic series.

–Malcolm

Masterchef-style cooking drives me nuts

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food2 Comments

We watched the recent “Masterchef – Back to Win” TV series because it’s fun watching “home cooks” trying to create modern Gordon Ramsay-style meals in 45 minutes. Some of the meals looked interesting, even good enough that I would try them out if I had a chance and didn’t have to pay $200 for a meal at some fru-fru restaurant.

It comes down to this: my mother and grandmother cooked midwestern-style and southern-style food the way those dishes were prepared in the 1940s and 1950s in home economics courses or as presented in cookbooks like the Joy of Cooking.

  • Among other things, this means that a meal was composed of various elements that were placed separately on the plate rather than as something called a “dish” in which the elements are placed in an artistically assembled thing that’s viewed as one item–meaning stuff is piled top of each other.
  • I generally refuse to eat rare meat even though Ramsay and the other judges consider anything cooked longer than rare to be ruined. I don’t know when rare became the default cooking level when, to me, it’s basically still raw.
  • Whatever I order, I don’t want it placed on top of or next to some horrid-looking puree. This stuff looks (and tastes) like wallpaper paste and makes me want to pass a law that blenders cannot be used in food preparation.
  • If I order meat and asparagus, I don’t want the meat sitting on top of the asparagus. Why the hell would I want each bite of steak to include a piece of asparagus on the fork?
  • I love potatoes, grits, and other starchy stuff, but definitely don’t want it piled on top of the meat.
  • I also don’t want a handful of mixed greens thrown on top of the whole shebang and called a salad. Sautéd arugula is not a salad.
  • Random crap strewn around the plate (connected by colorful smears of puree) and called a garnish and/or an artistic presentation of the “dish” is horse hockey. Place the stuff in small serving dishes so those who want it can dump it on their entrées.
  • I believe that if chefs want to ruin food they should do it in the privacy of their own homes rather than serving it to others as something special for $200 a plate.

I know I’m out of sync with the kind of meals that TV’s Masterchef and Hell’s Kitchen promote, but I like what I like and would rather have a sack of Louisiana chicken and dirty rice from Popeye’s than the swill I see on these purported upper-crust cooking shows.

–Malcolm

I love spicey soups but need an Alka Seltzer chaser

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food, writing2 Comments

When I came inside from yard mowing around lunchtime today, I poured a glass of Celtic Ale. Robbie, our indoor/outdoor cat who thinks anything on my TV tray belongs to him, tried to get the glass away from me. So Lesa poured a little in a saucer and he turned his nose up at it like that wasn’t the same stuff I had the glass.

What he does like is the really hot (spicey) Jazzy Jambalaya soup from Campbell’s. I have it with late-night movies but often need an Alka Seltzer as soon as I finish it. If I leave any in the bowl, Robbie jumps up on my TV tray and licks it all up. No chaser. No hairballs. No crazy behavior. What’s wrong with this kitty?

According to Campbell’s website, “This ready-to-eat soup is loaded with antibiotic-free chicken meat, Andouille sausage, rice, and cooked ham, plus veggies and a mixture of flavor-packed spices. Let’s not forget: our fill-you-up soup is also blended with a tasty cayenne pepper sauce that makes it a must-try for any Cajun food fanatic!”

I love Cajun food, so the soup works for me even though you probably won’t find it on the menu at the Atchafalaya Restaurant in New Orleans. They also serve Creole food, but I won’t hold that against them!

At one time, our family had a share or two of stock in Campbells. So, whenever somebody asked if we had anything to do with the soup company, we could shrug and say, “But of course, we do own stock.” But that’s long gone, so I can mention the soup without it being a conflict of interest.

—Malcolm

Labor Day Weekend means RAIN

On By Malcolm R. CampbellIn Food, writing4 Comments
  • Happy 4th of July Weekend. If you live near me–and I feel safer knowing you probably don’t–then you’re having rain with more to come. After some of the news we’ve been seeing, I should probably say, “Rain, well that figures.” 
  • Note to those of you in Scotland, Northern Ireland, and Wales. It’s past time for y’all to declare independence from England, the U.K, the empire, or whatever it is these days. Don’t wait.
  • Author Keith Willis, a long-time friend of mine, will soon be releasing the next book in his swashbuckling, dragon-filled Knights of Kilbourne fantasy series. Stolen Knight, the 4th in the series, will be out soon. Keith and I met when I was an instructor and he was a student at Berry College in Rome, Georgia. He was better at being a student than I was at being an instructor. My excuse is that I got the job a few days before the first class and had to move down to Georgia from Minnesota in my half-broken town Jeep. No time to prepare for the kinds of courses I wanted to teach.
  • A few days ago, I wrote a post about author Thomas Savage.  At least one reader has commented on the autobiography’s high price. That, unfortunately, is the way of things for University Press books. I don’t understand the thinking unlesss it comes from ther expectation that the book will be sold to other colleges and univerities with plenty of money. I meant to suggest a book you might start with if you’re new to Savage. A good place to start, I think, is with The Power of the Dog which Jane Campion made into a film by the same name in 2021.
  • For those of you who keep wanting to make stuff like chickpea salad, I should remind you that I don’t consider that kind of thing to be food, especially for a holiday weekend. It reminds me of the kind of stuff the cooks make on the TV show “Chopped.” Look at those judges for the show and ask them if they think the chefs who compete on the show are really cooking normal food. Hmm, I don’t think the judges are that blurry in “real life.”
  • Speaking of food, I’m preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese of supper. I’m glad the company has finally updated their packaging to display the product as we refer to it. If they’d asked me, I would have suggested they add the words “comfort food” somewhere on the box. 

—Malcolm