Mayor: Bailout of ‘Unfortunate Companies’ Not Government Ponzi Scheme
Junction City, April 22, 2009–Tax rally protesters speaking out against the city’s “Help for Unfortunate Companies” program earned a sharp rebuke from Mayor Clark Trail this morning when he said that calling the bailout a Ponzi scheme “dodges the true issues” while creating widespread distrust in the Paternalism in Government (PIG) model.
Implemented by the city council early this year, the PIG bailout program has allocated $7,000,000 in city funds to shore up the unfortunate Badass Hardware Brothers, Tenth National Banking Co of Junction City, and Low RPM Motors at an estimated $1,400 cost per capita.
“I guess I didn’t get the memo,” said Trail “but until my wife explained it to me, I thought Ponzi was that famous producer who made all those movies that needed subtitles.”
The “Ponzi Scheme” battle cry originated at a series of Oink Oink tax protest rallies that swept through the city over the weekend like wildfire running through a sock of stolen money.
Oink Oink organizer Jefferson Rand told protesters that residents were paying more to support the bailout program than they were getting back in the form of tax rebates, stimulus checks and other real benefits.
“That sure sounds like a Ponzi scheme to me,” said Rand.
According to a PIG white paper disseminated by city finance director Cash Poor, “the real issue addressed by the bailout program is based on the philosophy that the placebo effect of taking any prescription at all may save you before the bad medicine in the bottle kills you.”
Jerry Badass expressed concern that his hardware store continues to be unfortunate and that another infusion of bailout money may be required to ensure the company’s survival.
“Ironically, we’re finding that sales are down because those who were planning to shop at our store already spent all of their available cash to bail us out,” Badass said. “How could anyone have predicted that?”
Tenth Banking Company CEO Millie Morgan was jeered by protesters when she explained that her company “strongly disliked” the negative public opinion it was weathering by using the PIG program.
“Since our fiscal analysis was based on the view that our dire straights were caused by ill fortune rather than a failure of management,” said Morgan, “we knew that a business-as-usual approach would soon bankrupt the company. What else could we do but take the money and hope Providence would smile upon us like the old days?”
While flying around the city at a tax payer cost of $2,500 per hour to drum up support for his bailout program, Mayor Trail expressed confidence that sooner or later “something good would happen.”
Copyright (c) 2009 by Morning Satirical News
Malcolm's Round Table 
Pingback: Topics about Silence-day » Archive » Jock Stewart Looks at Bailouts
Thanks for the link!
That’s actually a more accurate picture than we see in the general media. I guess the moral to the story is that we each should, as quickly as possible, form a brand new “unfortunate” company and start cashing in on the bailouts before the bailors run out of enthusiasm and/or are indicted. And upon receiving funding for the second round of bailouts, it would be prudent to buy a senator, or maybe two, just as a hedge for the future.
According to an AP poll, the American people are “high on Obama.” I think that result comes from drugs and false hopes, but your idea of creating an unfortunate company does offer light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure I can afford a senator unless there’s one that’s been marked down for a clearance sale.
Malcolm